Devin Nunes And Sean Hannity Describe Proper Way To Kiss A President’s Butt
Two of Mr. Trump’s most trusted bootlickers explain how to show reverence to a president who needs constant ego strokes
With America dumbfounded at the way the entire Republican party humiliates itself by heaping sychophantic flattery upon Donald Trump every chance it gets, Representative Devin Nunes and Fox fake news host Sean Hannity stand out as two exemplary bootlickers.
“This is a president who likes to feel the tickle of a tongue between his butt cheeks after a rough day, and I am honored to be the man who licks that presidential asshole,” said Rep. Nunes, who revealed himself early as Mr. Trump’s chief valet. “It is just the privilege of a lifetime to act like a cowering vassal before my king.”
Sean Hannity, who stooped to a new low for a doormat when he told the president, “I thank you for the opportunity to put your hateful agenda of tyranny before the American people,” was adamant that there is a long history of brown-nosing by journalists covering the White House.
“President James Monroe was served loyally by one of the very first press toadies. And Woodrow Wilson gave a favorite New York Times reporter a tour of his shoe closet with instructions on who to properly buff his wingtips,” said Mr. Hannity, in a defiant tone. “As recently as the 1980’s, Ronald Reagan had a Washington Post writer read the funny papers to him before asking any questions. I am hardly the first media minion to let to the president stand on his head when needing more height at a speaker’s podium.”
Mr. Nunes added that everyone in Donald Trump’s close circle “kissed the ring and swore allegiance to him with an oath signed in blood. If Priebus, Spicer, Tillerson and the others had done the same thing, they’d have a job working with the president today instead of being out on the street without a fat government pension.”
“A lot of people think that President Trump is mercurial, impulsive, and hard to please,” continued Congressman Nunes, “but nothing could be further from the truth. Just bring him some KFC, a bag of Doritos, and a Diet Coke and you’ll see one happy, cooperative, and large-sized president.”
“I get frustrated with unpatriotic Americans who think that those of us in the press who serve this great president are just non-objective flunkies,” said Mr. Hannity. “Our nation’s leader might not be the great statesman that John F. Kennedy was or have the speaking skills of an Obama. He might not possess the simple wisdom of Abe Lincoln or command the respect of a Dwight Eisenhower. He surely doesn’t have the charisma of a Franklin D. Roosevelt or the grit of his predecessor, Teddy Roosevelt. But, as God is my witness, my president knows how to get ratings. Huge ratings. I think that’s pretty darn special in this day and age, and I’ll polish that man’s shoes to a spit shine every morning as long as I have the privilege to defend his agenda on television and make some lucrative real estate deals while I’m at. America the beautiful, goddamn it.”
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