Truth In Satire

Devin Nunes And Sean Hannity Describe Proper Way To Kiss A President’s Butt

Two of Mr. Trump’s most trusted bootlickers explain how to show reverence to a president who needs constant ego strokes

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Nunes and Hannity fight constantly over who is the better trained seal. (Credit: thedailybeast.com)

ith America dumbfounded at the way the entire Republican party humiliates itself by heaping sychophantic flattery upon Donald Trump every chance it gets, Representative Devin Nunes and Fox fake news host Sean Hannity stand out as two exemplary bootlickers.

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Rep. Nunes looking sexually satisfied after leaving the Oval Office. (Credit: www.independent.co.uk)

“This is a president who likes to feel the tickle of a tongue between his butt cheeks after a rough day, and I am honored to be the man who licks that presidential asshole,” said Rep. Nunes, who revealed himself early as Mr. Trump’s chief valet. “It is just the privilege of a lifetime to act like a cowering vassal before my king.”

Sean Hannity, who stooped to a new low for a doormat when he told the president, “I thank you for the opportunity to put your hateful agenda of tyranny before the American people,” was adamant that there is a long history of brown-nosing by journalists covering the White House.

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Hannity goes behind the curtain when he goes down on the president. (Credit:coed.com/2018)

“President James Monroe was served loyally by one of the very first press toadies. And Woodrow Wilson gave a favorite New York Times reporter a tour of his shoe closet with instructions on who to properly buff his wingtips,” said Mr. Hannity, in a defiant tone. “As recently as the 1980’s, Ronald Reagan had a Washington Post writer read the funny papers to him before asking any questions. I am hardly the first media minion to let to the president stand on his head when needing more height at a speaker’s podium.”

Mr. Nunes added that everyone in Donald Trump’s close circle “kissed the ring and swore allegiance to him with an oath signed in blood. If Priebus, Spicer, Tillerson and the others had done the same thing, they’d have a job working with the president today instead of being out on the street without a fat government pension.”

“A lot of people think that President Trump is mercurial, impulsive, and hard to please,” continued Congressman Nunes, “but nothing could be further from the truth. Just bring him some KFC, a bag of Doritos, and a Diet Coke and you’ll see one happy, cooperative, and large-sized president.”

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Mr. Nunes says the best part of being Mr. Trump’s lapdog is that when he runs out to pick up corn chips and ice cream for the president, he often gets to keep a corn chip for himself. (Credit: nymag.com)

“I get frustrated with unpatriotic Americans who think that those of us in the press who serve this great president are just non-objective flunkies,” said Mr. Hannity. “Our nation’s leader might not be the great statesman that John F. Kennedy was or have the speaking skills of an Obama. He might not possess the simple wisdom of Abe Lincoln or command the respect of a Dwight Eisenhower. He surely doesn’t have the charisma of a Franklin D. Roosevelt or the grit of his predecessor, Teddy Roosevelt. But, as God is my witness, my president knows how to get ratings. Huge ratings. I think that’s pretty darn special in this day and age, and I’ll polish that man’s shoes to a spit shine every morning as long as I have the privilege to defend his agenda on television and make some lucrative real estate deals while I’m at. America the beautiful, goddamn it.”

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Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is out of our hair.

I read every comment. And I try to answer as many as possible.

Thank you.

–AI

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Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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