Truth In Satire

Michelle Obama Says Barack Needs More Men Friends, And I’m An Excellent Choice

I’m just the kind of guy whom the former president would love to hang out with…plus, I have some free time

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Barack and I could shoot some hoops, grab a salad at Sweet Green, or just hang out and talk politics at my place.

peaking at the Obama Foundation summit in Chicago on Wednesday, former First Lady Michelle Obama suggested that her husband needs more male friends.

“Y’all should get you some friends,” she says she’s been telling the former president since he left office. “Get you some friends and talk to each other… I see a lot of men laughing, but y’all need to go talk to each other about your stuff, because there’s so much of it, it’s so messy!”

I know what she means. My girlfriend is amazing and super supportive, but my men friends are my lifeline. If that kind of male companionship is missing from Barack’s life, well, I just might be the go-to guy he needs. Here are 8 reasons why:

  1. I’m older and wiser than Barack so I can help him get through his current life transition. The former president has been through a real jolt this year, losing both his home and his job ON THE SAME DAY! I know all about those difficult life passages and I think I can guide him through this rough patch once we’re friends.
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I still wear the pin because I want Barack to know I’ll support him until he’s victorious finding a new job.

2. I still believe. A good friend believes in you even when you make mistakes or aren’t at your best. A best buddy sticks with you even after you’ve left the highest office in the land. In me, Barack will have a friend who’s not only willing to stand with him on the good days, but also when he’s feeling low and unemployed, like now. I believe in my new friend, Barack Obama, and I’ve got the pin to prove it.

3. I’ll make him laugh. My main man has been through a lot these past eight years, culminating in him having to turn over the White House keys to a moron. That can’t be easy, and it sure ain’t fun. It could really knock the hilarity out of a guy. I’m known among my friends as having a pretty good sense of humor. Given the chance, I think I can restore Barack’s funny bone and have him doubled over in lengthy laugh spasms in no time.

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How many men keep an adjustable best buddy doll around?

4. I’ve got my own Obama figurine. To some people this might seem creepy. I can understand that — Barack just wants a friend, not someone who puts him on a pedestal or idolizes him or strokes his plastic hair at night. He wants a buddy who he can talk to on an equal basis, not a sycophant who worships the ground he walks on. No problem. If Barack asks me to, I can jettison my eight-inch adjustable Obama figurine. It’s not like I’m attached to it or anything. I just like to have it around as a reminder of the days when the President of the United States was respected globally and the man himself was not only a brilliant writer and inspiring orator, but someone with integrity, a moral code, and scruples. But, like I say, no biggie. I’d much rather have a friendship with the real person than one with a molded figurine, albeit one with fully articulated arms.

5. I’ve been in a men’s group for 20 years. In her talk this week, Michelle said she thought that Barack, and all men, could benefit by being “more open and honest in their friendships together.” Well, Michelle, in the event that you have some influence over Barack’s choice as to who will be his new BMFF (best male friend forever), I want you to know that I have been honing my own skills in honest and open friendship for two decades. I have even written about my men’s group experience. So Barack will have the benefit of all the personal consciousness raising I’ve done. He will be in good male friendship hands.

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I’m always ready for a game of HORSE. (Credit: www.newyorker.com)

6. I like politics. I completely understand that Barack needs a break from his long, arduous political career and doesn’t want to have a friendship that’s based solely on politics. But I’m also a guy who knows what the three branches of government are (unlike some orange people we know), what separate but equal means, and what the critical issues are facing America. Of course, Barry and I (I hope he doesn’t mind me calling him Barry) will shoot hoops, watch whatever game is on, go down to the local bar and share a few beers, maybe even take a walk along the river and talk about our feelings. But when the nightly news comes on and Barack and I have string opinions on some crazy ass thing that’s going on in Washington, I think I’ll be able to hold my own with the ex-president.

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Michelle and I will definitely hit it off.

7. I’m good at guy talk but I’ll also get along with his first and forever lady. I think we’ve already established that Michelle is going to love the fact that I’m in Barack’s life because I’m good at open and honest male communication. But when us guys are finished doing guy stuff and we’re ready to rejoin our special gals, I’m also ready to shine in that capacity. Michelle, you’ll be happy to know that I watch Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday, I have had my apartment feng shui-ed, I eat a mostly vegetarian diet, and I’m a hugger. I’ve always believed in the power of the hug and I’m not afraid to give Barack a strong embrace. A one-minute hug the moment we meet and one when we say goodbye is going to become the hallmark of my deep and abiding friendship with Barack.

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I can’t wait to teach Barack a proper balestra-to-lunge lightsaber move because right here he looks like a total doofus. And I’m allowed to say that because he and I are practically best friends. (Credit: www/fanpop.com)

8. We’re both huge Star Wars fans. Male bonding is critical to any good BMFF relationship, and Barack and I will no doubt bond around the December release of The Last Jedi. I can see the two of us really deepening our connection while staging some super cool lightsaber battles in Washington Square Park whenever he visits me here in New York City. But, between you and me, his counter-riposte and forward feint positions are laughable, judging from the photo above, so we’ll need to start with a review of his “attack au fer” technique. That said, I’m still very interested in a friendship with Barack.

So, Barack, if you’re reading this, don’t hesitate to get in touch with me through my website. It’s not too late for us to develop a mutually nurturing male friendship.

And, besides, you look like you could use a hug.

****

Thanks all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.

Remember, I read every comment. And I try to answer.

Thank you.

–AI

Written by

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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