Truth In Satire

Meryl Streep’s Uncensored Golden Globes Speech

Here’s what America’s greatest actress didn’t say due to time constraints and network censors

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“If Donald Trump wants a fight he’s going to have to take on Margaret Thatcher,” said Streep, “because I’m bringing back The Iron Lady to give that man a lesson in manners.”

The text in bold is what Meryle Streep struck from her original Golden Globes acceptance speech on Sunday night:

Thank you. I love you all [except anyone who voted for Trump], but you’ll have to forgive me. I’ve lost my voice in screaming [at the TV every two seconds whenever that schmuck opens his mouth]…and I have lost my mind sometime earlier this year [when the petulant man-boy was elected and I thought I would have to borrow Chris Walken’s rifle from The Deer Hunter and blow my brains out]. So I have to read.

Thank you, Hollywood Foreign Press [may the Lord bless you and keep you]. Just to pick up on what Hugh Laurie [an Englishman, therefore not welcome in this country] said. You and all of us in this room [liberals, Democrats, gays, Jews, women, artists, environmentalists, writers, progressives], belong to the most vilified segments in American society right now [so you would all be wise to shelter in place for a few years and keep your circumcisions well-hidden].

Think about it. Hollywood, foreigners, and the press [Actually, don’t think about it, because if you do you can only come to one conclusion — we’re so fucked]…what is Hollywood, anyway? It’s just a bunch of people from other places [and other parties, making us pariahs and outcasts in the eyes of this new administration, and certain to be imprisoned].

I was born and raised and educated in the public schools of New Jersey [not born to wealthy Nazi sympathizers in Queens and educated in expensive private schools] and Viola [Davis] was born in a sharecropper’s cabin in South Carolina [so she won’t be invited to the White House for dinner anytime soon]. Sarah Paulson was born in Florida [and as a lesbian, will also not be invited to dine with our anti-LBGTQ president], raised by a single mom in Brooklyn [who wouldn’t get a penny in assistance from Republican regimes like this one]. Sarah Jessica Parker was one of seven or eight kids from Ohio [effectively, white trash, so perhaps acceptable to our president-elect, especially if her father carried an NRA card].

Amy Adams was born in Vicenza, Veneto, Italy [just another fucking immigrant in Trump’s distorted world view]. And Natalie Portman was born in Jerusalem [and he’s all over the place on Israel, so who knows about Natalie]. Where are their birth certificates [he’ll be asking on January 21st]?

And the beautiful Ruth Negga was born in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia [Trump doesn’t even know what continent that’s on], raised in Ireland, I do believe [Ireland, Scotland…whatever, just good places to build golf courses to him]. And she’s here nominated for playing a small-town girl from Virginia [which was like the only fucking contested state that went for Hillary, goddamn it!].

Ryan Gosling, like all the nicest people, is Canadian [and he says we can all go up to Ontario and hide on his property for the next four years]. And Dev Patel was born in Kenya, raised in London, is here for playing an Indian raised in Tasmania [Dev, just get up from your seat right now and get on the first flight out of this country. I mean it. Hurry up.].

So Hollywood is crawling with outsiders and foreigners [and will probably be the first American city nuked by Trump]. And if we kick ’em all out, you’ll have nothing to watch but football and mixed martial arts [which would serve Trump’s base just fine], which are not the arts [but things to do while chewing and spitting tobacco].

An actor’s only job is to enter the lives of people who are different from us [meaning the entire rest of the world, including Mexicans and Muslims] and let you feel what that feels like [to be human]. And there were many, many powerful performances this year that did exactly that — breathtaking, passionate work [like Hillary’s extraordinary efforts to remain decent and civil during the presidential campaign in the face of a misogynistic, boorish tyrant].

But there was one performance this year that stunned me [and that stunk to high heaven, so please reach under your seats and wear the nose clips you’ll find there as I speak]. It sank its hooks in my heart [not to mention, made me barf]. Not because it was good [oh, fuck no]… there was nothing good about it [it smelled and looked like a lump of dog shit, actually].

But it was effective [in a satanic sort of way], and it did its job [of ass-fucking an entire nation]. It made its intended audience laugh [because they share Lucifer’s lunacy] and show their teeth [those they have left]. It was that moment when the person asking to sit [his fat ass] in the most respected seat in our country [he didn’t ask, he just cyber-barged his way in] imitated a disabled reporter [and we all wanted to hide in collective national shame], someone he outranked in privilege, power, and the capacity to fight back [which makes him no better than a cold-hearted, schoolyard bully].

It kind of broke my heart when I saw it [and the retching didn’t stop for a week]. And I still can’t get it out of my head [which can’t process that kind of thuggish neanderthalism], because it wasn’t in a movie. It was real life [I know, I know, it’s fucking unbelievable].

And this instinct to humiliate [whittling away at whatever infinitesimal remainder of self-respect he has], when it’s modeled by someone in the public platform [who was raised apparently by oafish baboons or the Manson Family], by someone powerful [in his own eyes], it filters down into everybody’s life [and makes us think about the end of the world, like every other minute], because it kind of gives permission for other people to do the same thing [and for a new breed of fascist to bang on your door, drag you into the street, and stick a golf club up your butt]. Disrespect invites disrespect [and waterboarding]. Violence incites violence [and all other forms of torture]. When the powerful use their position to bully others, we all lose [our lives].

OK. This brings me to the press [you remember that fundamental tenet of our democracy, a free press?]. We need the principled press to hold power to account [do you hear me Fox News?!], to call them on the carpet for every outrage [are you listening Wall Street Journal?!]. That’s why our founders enshrined the press and its freedoms in our Constitution [the same founders who are rolling in their graves so violently right now, wooden teeth are flying everywhere!].

So I only ask the famously well-heeled Hollywood Foreign Press…to join me in supporting the Committee to Protect Journalists [about to be the first news organization deemed illegal by Attorney General Jeff Sessions and his federal goons]. Because we’re going to need them going forward [along with hollow floorboards and other ingenious places to hide]. And they’ll need us to safeguard the truth [if we haven’t already fled to Gosling’s place up in Canada].

One more thing. Once, when I was standing around on the set…whining about something … Tommy Lee Jones said to me: “Isn’t it such a privilege, Meryl, just to be an actor?” Yeah, it is [I said to Tommy…but you were also Al Gore’s roommate in college, so don’t think your homey wisdom is going to do you any good now]. And we have to remind each other of the privilege and the responsibility of the act of empathy [which will be a distant memory and quaint relic six months from now]. We should all be very proud of the work Hollywood honors here tonight [but let’s get this honoring over with so we can all get home to our underground bunkers].

As my friend, the dear departed Princess Leia said to me once, take your broken heart, make it into art [or, forget about the art and, like me and Mom, just get the fuck outta there while you still can].

I read every comment. Thanks. — AI

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Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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