Truth In Satire

Meryl Streep’s Uncensored Golden Globes Speech

Here’s what America’s greatest actress didn’t say due to time constraints and network censors

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“If Donald Trump wants a fight he’s going to have to take on Margaret Thatcher,” said Streep, “because I’m bringing back The Iron Lady to give that man a lesson in manners.”

The text in bold is what Meryle Streep struck from her original Golden Globes acceptance speech on Sunday night:

Thank you. I love you all [except anyone who voted for Trump], but you’ll have to forgive me. I’ve lost my voice in screaming [at the TV every two seconds whenever that schmuck opens his mouth]…and I have lost my mind sometime earlier this year [when the petulant man-boy was elected and I thought I would have to borrow Chris Walken’s rifle from The Deer Hunter and blow my brains out]. So I have to read.

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“George Lucas, we’re going to need you to create a time machine that can take us back to June 14, 1946, when all the trouble began,” said Streep during the Golden Globes.

Thank you, Hollywood Foreign Press [may the Lord bless you and keep you]. Just to pick up on what Hugh Laurie [an Englishman, therefore not welcome in this country] said. You and all of us in this room [liberals, Democrats, gays, Jews, women, artists, environmentalists, writers, progressives], belong to the most vilified segments in American society right now [so you would all be wise to shelter in place for a few years and keep your circumcisions well-hidden].

Think about it. Hollywood, foreigners, and the press [Actually, don’t think about it, because if you do you can only come to one conclusion — we’re so fucked]…what is Hollywood, anyway? It’s just a bunch of people from other places [and other parties, making us pariahs and outcasts in the eyes of this new administration, and certain to be imprisoned].

I was born and raised and educated in the public schools of New Jersey [not born to wealthy Nazi sympathizers in Queens and educated in expensive private schools] and Viola [Davis] was born in a sharecropper’s cabin in South Carolina [so she won’t be invited to the White House for dinner anytime soon]. Sarah Paulson was born in Florida [and as a lesbian, will also not be invited to dine with our anti-LBGTQ president], raised by a single mom in Brooklyn [who wouldn’t get a penny in assistance from Republican regimes like this one]. Sarah Jessica Parker was one of seven or eight kids from Ohio [effectively, white trash, so perhaps acceptable to our president-elect, especially if her father carried an NRA card].

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Amy Adams, born in Italy, will need to show her birth certificate if she every wants to make another film in America or import one here.

Amy Adams was born in Vicenza, Veneto, Italy [just another fucking immigrant in Trump’s distorted world view]. And Natalie Portman was born in Jerusalem [and he’s all over the place on Israel, so who knows about Natalie]. Where are their birth certificates [he’ll be asking on January 21st]?

And the beautiful Ruth Negga was born in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia [Trump doesn’t even know what continent that’s on], raised in Ireland, I do believe [Ireland, Scotland…whatever, just good places to build golf courses to him]. And she’s here nominated for playing a small-town girl from Virginia [which was like the only fucking contested state that went for Hillary, goddamn it!].

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Ryan Gosling, one of the nicest Canadians, has invited all of Hollywood to use his place in Ontario as a temporary safe house.

Ryan Gosling, like all the nicest people, is Canadian [and he says we can all go up to Ontario and hide on his property for the next four years]. And Dev Patel was born in Kenya, raised in London, is here for playing an Indian raised in Tasmania [Dev, just get up from your seat right now and get on the first flight out of this country. I mean it. Hurry up.].

So Hollywood is crawling with outsiders and foreigners [and will probably be the first American city nuked by Trump]. And if we kick ’em all out, you’ll have nothing to watch but football and mixed martial arts [which would serve Trump’s base just fine], which are not the arts [but things to do while chewing and spitting tobacco].

An actor’s only job is to enter the lives of people who are different from us [meaning the entire rest of the world, including Mexicans and Muslims] and let you feel what that feels like [to be human]. And there were many, many powerful performances this year that did exactly that — breathtaking, passionate work [like Hillary’s extraordinary efforts to remain decent and civil during the presidential campaign in the face of a misogynistic, boorish tyrant].

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The Queen of American Film faces off with the Scourge of the Earth.

But there was one performance this year that stunned me [and that stunk to high heaven, so please reach under your seats and wear the nose clips you’ll find there as I speak]. It sank its hooks in my heart [not to mention, made me barf]. Not because it was good [oh, fuck no]… there was nothing good about it [it smelled and looked like a lump of dog shit, actually].

But it was effective [in a satanic sort of way], and it did its job [of ass-fucking an entire nation]. It made its intended audience laugh [because they share Lucifer’s lunacy] and show their teeth [those they have left]. It was that moment when the person asking to sit [his fat ass] in the most respected seat in our country [he didn’t ask, he just cyber-barged his way in] imitated a disabled reporter [and we all wanted to hide in collective national shame], someone he outranked in privilege, power, and the capacity to fight back [which makes him no better than a cold-hearted, schoolyard bully].

It kind of broke my heart when I saw it [and the retching didn’t stop for a week]. And I still can’t get it out of my head [which can’t process that kind of thuggish neanderthalism], because it wasn’t in a movie. It was real life [I know, I know, it’s fucking unbelievable].

And this instinct to humiliate [whittling away at whatever infinitesimal remainder of self-respect he has], when it’s modeled by someone in the public platform [who was raised apparently by oafish baboons or the Manson Family], by someone powerful [in his own eyes], it filters down into everybody’s life [and makes us think about the end of the world, like every other minute], because it kind of gives permission for other people to do the same thing [and for a new breed of fascist to bang on your door, drag you into the street, and stick a golf club up your butt]. Disrespect invites disrespect [and waterboarding]. Violence incites violence [and all other forms of torture]. When the powerful use their position to bully others, we all lose [our lives].

OK. This brings me to the press [you remember that fundamental tenet of our democracy, a free press?]. We need the principled press to hold power to account [do you hear me Fox News?!], to call them on the carpet for every outrage [are you listening Wall Street Journal?!]. That’s why our founders enshrined the press and its freedoms in our Constitution [the same founders who are rolling in their graves so violently right now, wooden teeth are flying everywhere!].

So I only ask the famously well-heeled Hollywood Foreign Press…to join me in supporting the Committee to Protect Journalists [about to be the first news organization deemed illegal by Attorney General Jeff Sessions and his federal goons]. Because we’re going to need them going forward [along with hollow floorboards and other ingenious places to hide]. And they’ll need us to safeguard the truth [if we haven’t already fled to Gosling’s place up in Canada].

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Princess Leia knew when to abandon the spaceship…and she took her Mom with her.

One more thing. Once, when I was standing around on the set…whining about something … Tommy Lee Jones said to me: “Isn’t it such a privilege, Meryl, just to be an actor?” Yeah, it is [I said to Tommy…but you were also Al Gore’s roommate in college, so don’t think your homey wisdom is going to do you any good now]. And we have to remind each other of the privilege and the responsibility of the act of empathy [which will be a distant memory and quaint relic six months from now]. We should all be very proud of the work Hollywood honors here tonight [but let’s get this honoring over with so we can all get home to our underground bunkers].

As my friend, the dear departed Princess Leia said to me once, take your broken heart, make it into art [or, forget about the art and, like me and Mom, just get the fuck outta there while you still can].

I read every comment. Thanks. — AI

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at

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