Truth In Satire

Merry Christmas From The Moron In Chief And His First Family Of Freaks, Felons, And Fools

A holiday greeting from President Donald Trump to all the white, Christian Americans who worship the ground he tramples on

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Hail to the Thief! (Credit:
  • Create the first Russo-American joint republic. This will be a first. It hasn’t been done before, can you believe it? But why not!? The Democrats are opposed to this great plan (sad!), but just imagine how powerful a Russo-American nation would be, controlling all the resources in the world and 90% of the nukes. No one would dare oppose us. I see Vlad Putin as VP (Vlad Putin, VP, I just realized that, haha) and me as president and supreme leader — that’s an unbeatable combo. I’d be like King of the World. And I’m going to go for it in 2018. Power, prosperity, and despotism for all (meaning me and Vlad)!
  • No kneeling. This goes without saying, but there will be no kneeling at professional sporting events in 2018. And if any of those black bums try it, they’ll have to deal with OJ who just joined my team after his amazing prison term and will break the knees, and possibly also knife, any NFL players who dare to hit the ground during the national anthem or the pledge of allegiance. I mean business, people!!!
  • More constitutional flexibility. Let’s face it, that stupid, yellowed document is almost 250-years-old, practically no one reads it anymore, and it’s totally out of date. We need new rules for a new era of danger and death and only I know how to save the nation from terrorists, not the crusty Constitution. My plan is to have a new Constitutional Congress convene by the end of the summer, before the Republican majority in the House and Senate get wiped off the map in November. I’ll instruct them to ratify a totally new, much cooler (and SHORTER!) Constitution that fits on a postcard. It’ll basically say, “let Donald Trump do what he wants,” and then watch me go. Win after win after wonderful win. Kill that old, stupid Constitution, and bring in the winning (and much, much SHORTER) Trump Constitution. All in favor, say AYE. All opposed…shoot ‘em!
  • Mueller has to go. I’ll be doing that in the first week of January. Stand by, because I’m going to give you all a massacre you’ll love. And it’s going to be much, much better than Nixon’s. He was a liar, I’m a leader and a celebrity and I can fire whomever I want. Here’s how, I yell, “YOU’RE FIRED!” That’s how easy it is.
  • Kaboom to the Kimchi! I know you’ve been waiting for some real global fireworks all year long and I promise you’re going to get it in 2018. Not only will I be sending the Rocket Man and his North Korean cronies to the moon, I’ll be blowing up Kathy Griffin and Rosie O’Donnell along with them. The question is, whether to use nukes or no nukes? Stay tuned, you’ll know the answer soon (now that’s an atomic teaser, haha)!
  • The ultimate Moslem mop-up is on my calendar for the first quarter of the new year. Let’s face it, no one in America wants Moslems around, because where there are Moslems there is ISIS and where there is ISIS there is Sharon’s Law, whoever she is. Gotta get rid of the Moslems and I know just how to do it but I’m not telling you just yet. But I know how. You’ll see.

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Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at

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