Truth In Satire
Melania Wants Out!
First Lady reveals the 21 reasons she’s seeking a divorce — and America says “go for it”
Saying she can’t take another minute with “that unstable, arrogant, offensive man,” a miserable Melania Trump filed for divorce in New York State court yesterday, according to documents leaked to the press.
The divorce action did not surprise Melania-watchers, who have been posting alarming observations about the First Lady for weeks. They say she has seemed distant, dour, and depressed since Inauguration Day— if not long before that — and her many fans are celebrating the divorce filing.
Here are Melania Trump’s 21 reasons for seeking divorce, in her own words, as filed with the State of New York:
- Whenever I wear white, my outfits end up orange by the end of the day because Donald leaks.
- He has not used my correct first name since our third date.
- In the Slovenian language, we do not have a term for “pompous blowhard.” I did not know what people were saying when they tried to warn me.
- He often surprises me when I turn a corner in the apartment by throwing me into headlocks, piledrivers, and other WWE moves. It’s very abusive.
- Donald doesn’t drink or smoke, but he makes me drink and smoke for him so he can relax vicariously, and I’m getting physically sick from it.
- He threatens to deport me for the smallest things, like leaving my shoes on the floor or not putting the caps back on his many tubes of hair product.
- He never turns off the TV at night, flipping channels and swearing at the screen until 4 or 5 in the morning.
- Donald’s germophobia has gotten so bad, he insists we can only air kiss for the duration of our marriage.
- He makes me pop the boils on his back that he often gets from using too much Dior Bronze Self-Tanning Gel.
10. Being married to Donald Trump is endangering my safety — I am being harassed by black people, brown people, yellow people, rainbow-colored people, Jewish people, Muslim people, young people, old people, immigrant people, and everyone I’ve ever met in New York City, including the carriage horses in Central Park.
11. His fingers are too small to reach inside me, so instead he uses a replica Wookie arm that was in Eric’s Star Wars collection. That hand is very itchy.
12. It’s not just his hands that are small — and there’s no Wookie substitute for that in Eric’s collection.
13. He has a fetish for PEZ dispensers. He makes me take his collectible Fred Flintstone and Road Runner dispensers and pinch his nipples simultaneously with the tilting heads.
14. Whenever Ivanka stays at Mar-A-Lago with us, Donald says he needs to stay in her room to “help her with the designs for her new lingerie line.”
15. He insists that I do all the gold gilding at Trump properties. It’s very strenuous work. Now he wants me to gild the White House portico columns, and if I refuse, he’ll beat me with those tiny infant hands until I notice that something’s hitting me.
16. He apparently has very ugly feet. He rarely takes off his shoes, even in bed at night, because he’s doesn’t want me to see the severe bone spurs that kept him out of the Vietnam War.
17. He monopolizes the bathroom in the morning, locking the door, staying in there for one or two hours getting his hair just right.
18. Donald has a horrible odor. A mix of McDonald’s, Cheetos, cheap cologne, and Tic Tacs. People often think I look sad or angry in photos, but my face is just squinched from trying not to inhale.
19. He makes me drink Trump wine (cheap and rancid), eat Trump steaks (tough and rancid), and wear Ivanka’s clothing brand (tacky and tasteless). This is cruel and unusual punishment.
20. Donald brings the cyborg Stephen Miller into our bedroom and plugs him in next to the nightstand to recharge. That over-mechanized freak just stands there all night, staring at me.
21. He sings Tony Orlando’s Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Ole Oak Tree at the top of his lungs in our private quarters. I’d rather be waterboarded.
If it pleases the court, please remove me from the hell that is being married to Donald J. Trump as speedily as possible. Thank you.
Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.
Remember, I read every comment. And I try to answer.