Truth In Satire

Makers Of Coat Hangers Cheer As Trump Weighs 4 Conservative Court Candidates

What’s bad for women with Roe v. Wade repeal could be good for manufacturers of an essential tool for back alley abortions

Makers of coat hangers were gleeful on Monday as President Donald Trump interviewed four Supreme Court candidates who are all believed to be opponents of Roe v. Wade, the signature high court decision that upheld a woman’s right to an abortion.

“We’re already upping production of our deluxe coat hangers in anticipation of a wave of amateur abortions coming this fall,” said Clyde Aboort, president of the nation’s largest metal coat hanger manufacturer, located in central Vermont. “Roe Wade really cut into our business the last four decades. Reversing the decision could be a boon for our industry.”

Before 1973, when the Supreme Court ruled 7–2 in Roe v. Wade that preventing a woman from having an abortion violated her right to privacy, unsafe abortions, many performed with a bendable hanger self-inserted into the woman’s vagina to terminate the pregnancy, were fairly common.

In the 1940’s, more than a thousand American women a year died using dangerous techniques to self-abort. Even as late as the 1960’s, hundreds of women annually attempted to self-induce using coat hangers, knitting needles, and ballpoint pens, or by ingesting caustic chemicals. Worldwide as many as 7 million women a year are treated for complication from self-abortion attempts that go wrong.

President Trump is now seeking to pick a conservative Supreme Court judge who will work to overturn Roe v. Wade, thereby “making it easier for women to self-abort and giving them more control over their pregnancies, not less. No more legal abortions will also help boost the American coat hanger and ballpoint pen industries, and we want that. They’ve been very unfairly treated because of this Roe Wade thing and we’re planing to stop that. I think everyone understands how important it is to have a strong, very strong, coat hanger industry.”

Pro-choice groups, along with millions of American women who support their efforts to guarantee safe reproductive and abortion options, are not in favor of more coat hanger terminations. They are planning to work vigorously to block any Supreme Court pick who would oppose Roe v. Wade, because women themselves, NOT A FUCKING COURT FULL OF CONSERVATIVE OLD MEN, should decide the fate of their own bodies and whether, when, and with whom to have a child.

LATE BREAKING: Coat hanger manufacturers bombard office of Sen. Susan Collins with their wire products urging her to vote for an anti-abortion Supreme Court pick. Read here.


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