Truth In Satire
Majority Of Americans Favors Shutdown Of President, Leaving Government Open
Congress may now pull funding of Donald Trump by midnight Friday, allowing government to continue to operate
Nine out of ten Americans are demanding that Congress shut down President Donald Trump and his family by midnight Friday, diverting those vital funds to keep the government open.
“We’re hearing from our constituents that they want us to pull every last penny from the White House budget,” said Senate Minority leader Chuck Schumer. “This would basically mean the president would have no food allowance, no housekeeping, no security, no travel budget, no staff. Effectively, Mr. Trump and his family would have to return to New York, probably by Amtrak.”
“This is a drastic measure, but the people have spoken,” said House Speaker Paul Ryan. “There’s no way we can keep both the government and the president fully funded, so I guess we have to say goodbye to The Donald.”
Rep. Ryan added that President Trump’s recent remarks about African nations being “shithole countries,” as well as his rapidly shifting positions on DACA and the Children’s Health Insurance Program (CHIPS), had soured a majority of Americans on keeping the president supplied with snack foods.
“We told the president there was a very real possibility that taxpayers would no longer be paying for things like his Cheetos, sodas, cookies, hair pomade, golf clubs, and Spanx undergarments after Friday night,” said Mr. Ryan. “He grew furious, but there’s no getting around the fact that his decadent lifestyle, particularly his voracious appetite, is bankrupting the nation.”
Senator Mitch McConnell, who had been growing more exasperated all week with the president’s apparent lack of understanding of all things budget related, called Mr. Trump “not only astonishingly uniformed, but hellbent on watching television rather than negotiating in good faith on a viable spending bill. I, for one, will have no problem voting to cut off payment for his cable service.”
Asked about his concerns that Congress might call for a presidential shutdown within the next 24 hours, Mr. Trump said he was opposed to NFL players kneeling during the national anthem. He then returned to watching reruns of the original Will & Grace.
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–AI
