Truth In Satire

RBG To Be Retrofitted With Bionic Body Parts In Mad Scramble To Keep Her Alive

In wake of Justice Kennedy’s retirement, Democrats are financing a complete overhaul of reliable liberal judge Ruth Bader Ginsburg

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Justice Ginsburg will undergo several state-of-the-art “bionic upgrades” this summer that could keep her on the high court indefinitely. (Credit: http://www.foxnews.com)

fter the sudden resignation on Wednesday of the Supreme Court’s influential swing judge, Justice Anthony Kennedy, a desperate effort is underway to retrofit the aging Ruth Bader Ginsburg with the most advanced bionic body parts available.

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Many expect RBG to walk away from her bionic upgrades able to take out Chief Justice John Roberts with one twitch of her bicep. (Credit: www.dailybreak.com)

“It is now critical that we keep RBG alive long after her body fails, at least another four to six years,” said Senator Chuck Schumer, the Democratic minority leader. “Roe v. Wade, gay rights, any hope for serious gun control, all are at risk if we lose this reliable liberal judge from the Supreme Court. Ginsburg cannot die now.”

Sen. Schumer said that his Democratic caucus have reached out to progressive tech titans in Silicon Valley, as well as forward-looking executives in the medical industry, to come up with scientific advances that will keep Justice Ginsburg performing her judicial duties without interruption well into the next presidential term.

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Judge Ginsburg has already undergone cutting-edge eye surgery that will allow her to see through heaps of conservative bullshit. (Credit: cnn.com)

“I’ll be going to the gym now five days a week to stay in top form,” said another liberal judge on the high court, Justice Sonia Sotomayor, “but I think something more ‘invasive’ is required for Ruth. I’m hoping someone like Elon Musk might come up with a titanium skeleton to give her more stability and durability, along with some synthetic internal organs that are indestructible. Let’s face it, an RBG who’s only 10% flesh and blood will still be more human than any of the conservatives on the court now.”

Justice Ginsburg is expected to undergo the first of several bionic upgrades and preservation procedures this summer during the Supreme Court’s August recess.

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