Truth In Satire

Mad At Dad!

Trump’s children blast his presidential performance as “Embarrassing!,” “Worse than Bush’s!,” “Sad!”

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Eric, Ivanka, and Donald Jr. wear serious sour pusses just minutes after handing their father a letter harshly criticizing his nascent presidency as “puke worthy and pathetic.”

In a scathing letter to their father, Donald Trump’s three eldest children called his presidential performance in its earliest days, “A freak show!,” and “Awful!,” while likening his senior staff to “a clown car full of conservative kooks and blundering toadies.”

Don Jr., Eric, and Ivanka Trump are also furious with their father for quickly becoming the first American president in history to become the last American president in history.

They added that they did not want to be known as the children of a commander-in-chief who sold the country to the Russians and got nothing in return but a few bottles of top-shelf vodka and some smoked sturgeon.

In their strongly-worded letter, which was leaked to Mother Jones and printed in the publication’s weekend edition, the three scions addressed their father separately for stupidities, blunders, and bloopers that have affected them or their families directly:

Donald Jr.: The scorn I’m experiencing in New York is unbelievable. You’ve made it impossible for me to walk the streets without being bombarded with obscenities and pummeled with tomatoes, rotten eggs, and squirrel pelts. It’s one thing to be called ‘Son of Orangutan,’ or ‘Mango Boy,’ it’s quite another to have people run up and drop a carcass on your head. This can’t go on, Dad — you have to go back to being a normal, apolitical pervert or the Trump brand is finished in New York.

Eric: Dad, please, enough with the social media! Every time you think you’re sending a private message to Bannon or Priebus, you’re tweeting racist, misogynistic incendiary bombs to the entire world. I live in constant fear that I’m going to wake up to a presidential tweet challenging Kim Jong-un to a duel of nuclear warheads. Or a sunrise Twitter rant calling Angela Merkel a cheap stripper in lederhosen. You’ve caused more than trouble and embarrassment for our family, Dad, you’ve gotten me unliked by more than 196,000 friends and followers on Facebook.

Ivanka: Nice going, Daddy. Your iron fisted dictator routine just cost me a very lucrative fashion, apparel and accessories business. I’m out at Nordstrom’s, Saks, and Macy’s, and now they’re winding us down at the Burlington Coat Factory and The Dollar Tree store, too. The girls in my reading club have asked me to leave, no one at Equinox will enter the sauna when I’m in there, and 13 of the 13 other mothers in after-school gymnastics have removed their kids from our class. All six of my nannies have resigned and taken their Beef and Bean Chimichanga recipes with them, and my cleaning lady quit, too, meaning no chimichanga dishes from her either. But the biggest downside of your presidency is the backside I’m getting: whenever I fly commercial now, female passengers walk past my first class seat and leave a panty burp, a heinie hiccup, a poop puff, a booty belch…they fart! I live in a constant brown cloud of foul-smelling methane gas. You know I love you, Daddy, but if you don’t rein in this pathological despot persona beginning today, you’re permanently out of the bedroom and Jared’s back in. I mean it, Daddy, no more Lolita fantasy play for you!

It is not known how President Trump reacted to the letter or if it will change his behavior, policies, or performance in office, but it is believed that Ivanka’s threat to expel him from the bedroom has left the moody and insecure commander-in-chief shaken.

The next few weeks should reveal more to the American public about the degree of influence the Trump children have over their powerful, albeit naive and incompetent father.

Breaking: Mother Jones now reports that Melania Trump also sent a letter to her husband expressing her concerns about his beleaguered presidency and its impact on her as First Lady, but the letter was discarded by the president before being read.

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Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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