Truth In Satire
Lifetime Without Alcohol Hurting Trump’s Performance, Doctors Say
As the pressures of office begin to take their toll, medical experts believe the president needs to increase his intake of stiff drinks
President Donald Trump’s claim that he has never had a drop of alcohol in his life might account for a recent spate of brain farts, slurred speeches, and general boob-like behavior 12 months into his term.
“Make no mistake, the American presidency is the single most stressful job in the world,” said Admiral Stephen Corker, the Surgeon General under President Barack Obama, and a physician. “If you don’t drink, you’re going to eventually pop a screw, and that appears to be what’s happening with the teetotaler Trump right now.”
“Every president indulges,” said Dr. Malcolm Whettwisle, the White House physician to President Bill Clinton, “it just comes with the territory. Mr. Clinton would have a couple of Bulleit bourbons every evening before dinner, and that’s the minimum daily requirement for a sitting president. Any less and there’s going to be trouble.”
“It sounds to me like President Trump is under-consuming,” said Dr. Paul Winestock, President George W. Bush’s personal physician…
