Truth In Satire

Lifetime Without Alcohol Hurting Trump’s Performance, Doctors Say

As the pressures of office begin to take their toll, medical experts believe the president needs to increase his intake of stiff drinks

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Health professionals warn that the president is suffering from an under-indulgence of alcohol. (Credit:

President Donald Trump’s claim that he has never had a drop of alcohol in his life might account for a recent spate of brain farts, slurred speeches, and general boob-like behavior 12 months into his term.

“Make no mistake, the American presidency is the single most stressful job in the world,” said Admiral Stephen Corker, the Surgeon General under President Barack Obama, and a physician. “If you don’t drink, you’re going to eventually pop a screw, and that appears to be what’s happening with the teetotaler Trump right now.”

“Every president indulges,” said Dr. Malcolm Whettwisle, the White House physician to President Bill Clinton, “it just comes with the territory. Mr. Clinton would have a couple of Bulleit bourbons every evening before dinner, and that’s the minimum daily requirement for a sitting president. Any less and there’s going to be trouble.”

“It sounds to me like President Trump is under-consuming,” said Dr. Paul Winestock, President George W. Bush’s personal physician. “George stopped drinking for awhile while he was in office and he immediately started making stupid blunders. That whole Iraq war mess started when he was sober. Then we worked him back up to a six-pack a day and he started to perform better. Now he’s downing 8–10 beers in a single sitting and just look how his approval numbers have gone up.”

It is not known whether President Trump will heed the advice of former White House doctors and health professionals and develop a drinking habit, but many of his close advisers are telling the president that he has to start boozing it up soon.

“We’re hoping he’ll do some shots on New Year’s Eve,” said one Oval Office insider, “but that might be too late.”


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