Libertarian Candidate Gary Johnson Says World Peace Must Start With Simpler Foreign Names

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“Who can remember all this stuff?” says Johnson.

Gary Johnson, the Libertarian Party presidential nominee, is appealing to foreign nations and leaders to change their names as a way of improving international relations.

Speaking before a meeting of the UN General Assembly, candidate Johnson asserted that a lot of unnecessary embarrassment could be avoided among world leaders with the introduction of easier to pronounce personal surnames and country designations. “If a US presidential nominee can’t tell you what Aleppo is,” yelled Johnson into his microphone, “how can we expect the average citizen to know what the hell is going on in the world?”

Johnson, the former governor of New Mexico, went on to suggest that the name of Syria’s largest city be changed to “Albuquerque East.” He also urged the country’s president, Bashar al-Assad, to adopt the name, Bob Alstead. Directly addressing the delegation from North Korea, Johnson advised that its supreme leader, Kim Jong-un, use the easier to remember name, Ken Jones.

Johnson then produced a 28-page document with his suggestions for Anglo-Saxon revisions to the names of all 196 nations in the world, along with alternatives for their leaders. Asked after his address if he was insisting that sovereign countries revise their names to accommodate his limited knowledge of foreign affairs and global geography, Johnson responded, “This isn’t about me, goddamn it, it’s about me and Donald Trump!”

As a flustered Johnson was pelted with pickled cabbage, falafels and other indigenous cuisine as he left the podium, he continued to defend his global peace strategy, “Having no knowledge of remote countries and their dumb-ass leaders is completely consistent with our non-interventionist Libertarian stance,” he said. “Hilary’s ability to identify every country in the world and who runs them is not only obnoxious, it’s exactly what has gotten the United States into trouble for 150 years. If we don’t know they’re out there, we won’t go in and try to take them over!”

Seen exiting the General Assembly meeting during Johnson’s address was his vice-presidential running mate, Bill Weld. As he was ushered into a waiting SUV, the former Massachusetts governor was asked if he supported Johnson’s global name changing proposal. “The guy’s a fucking idiot,” replied Weld. “I realized he wasn’t too sharp when he asked me to join the ticket, but I didn’t know he was going to go all dementia on me.” Asked whether he was considering abandoning the Libertarian ticket, the former Republican responded, “I’m a fucking Harvard graduate, okay? If you think I’m going to tie my political future to this Loon-atarian, you’re as dimwitted as he is.”

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