Coastal Liberals Try Triggering Earthquakes To Break Off Blue States
Jumping, stomping and clomping, liberals hope to induce tectonic plate shifts, shearing off two new countries for their own
Desperate for a way to buffer themselves from the life-threatening impact of a Trump presidency, Democrats, liberals, and sane people on both coasts are attempting to break off from the middle of the country via tectonic plate shifting to create two new, autonomous nations.
These progressive secessionists say that if states located above Virginia on the east coast and those below Canada on the west were cleaved from the rest of the continental U.S., it would then be constitutionally possible for those new land masses to declare independence and become sovereign nations.
“We believe that jolting the tectonic plates with the collective power of our feet, causing massive coastal earthquakes, is the best way to respond to a Trump presidency,” said Christopher Pulhoffer, Founder of Secessionists On Both Coasts Opposed To Trump (SOBCOT). “Once we break free of conservative America, the new countries of Calwagon in the Pacific and New Pendemass in the Atlantic will become completely independent, left-leaning social democracies.”
SOBCOT worked with secessionist sympathizers to develop provisional names for their new nations. Calwagon was created by combining California, Washington and Oregon. New Pendemass is a mash-up of seven northeastern blue states located above the Mason-Dixon line.
Organizers hope to rally up to 40 million secessionists to pound their feet in unison in the effected states on Saturday, January 14th, which will give hundreds of thousands of liberal citizens in the heart of the country enough time to pack up and move to their respective coasts.
“We’re well aware that there are pockets of progressives in red states who are scared shitless of Trump and don’t want to be left behind,” said Pulhoffer. “That’s why we’re inviting all left-leaning citizens — as well as gays, Mexicans, and Muslims — to join us in our coastal clomping efforts. Remember, no matter your race, creed or color, there will always be a place for you in Calwagon and New Pendemass.”
Pulhoffer added that anyone who wants to join in the breakaway effort should “be ready when the ground starts shaking violently during the second week of January. That’s your signal to jump and stomp around as if your inviolate constitutional rights depended on it. A revolution has begun at the outer edges of America, people, and it’s happening right under your feet!”
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