Allan Ishac’s Naked Satire

Lee Harvey Oswald Dated Jackie Kennedy, Plus 9 Other JFK Document Shockers

Thousands of pages of newly released Kennedy assassination files confirm the conspiracies that you always knew were true

Image for post
A photo depicting a “study session” between a young Jackie Bouvier and political activist Lee Harvey Oswald. (Credit: tvblogs.nationalgeographic.com)

The shocking truth about so many Kennedy assassination theories and conspiracies has finally come to light 50 years later, and it is exactly what you had always suspected.

With the release on Thursday of more than 2800 classified government files on the JFK murder, the nation can finally put to rest so many of the nagging questions surrounding that fateful day in November, 1963.

  1. Lee Harvey Oswald was in love with Jackie Kennedy. Makes so much sense, right? The heretofore secret papers reveal that troubled shooter Oswald actually dated a young Jacqueline Bouvier in college, and they had talked about a “Camelot” marriage of their own. So when handsome John Kennedy swept Jackie off her feet, Oswald grew angry at the president for stealing both his girlfriend and romantic fantasy. As many have suspected, the assassination of President John F. Kennedy was the result of heartbreak, not politics.
Image for post
A rampant lie about the green grass in Dealey Plaza is finally exposed. (Credit: alinefromlinda.blogspot.com)

2. The famous “grassy knoll” in Dallas was actually made of AstroTurf. For years we’ve been hearing about the grassy knoll in Dealey Plaza and its possible role in the JFK killing. But the latest revelations, exposed in the new documents, tell the truth. That wasn’t grass at all, but the first hill in Dallas covered with a revolutionary new material that would later be used on America’s football fields, around swimming pools, and to replace the front lawns of tacky homes all over southern Florida. Yes, it was AstroTurf. Why didn’t they tell us sooner!

3. Hero Secret Service agent Clint Hill’s real name is Hymie Abramowitz. There have been rumors about this for years, and now they are confirmed. The famous agent who jumped onto the back of the limousine to protect the first lady in Dallas changed his name right after the shooting to sound more like an action figure and not so Jewish.

Image for post
Hymie Abramowitz leaping onto the trunk of the limo carrying the president. (Credit: californiascoop.com)

“I knew it wasn’t right, but I couldn’t help myself,” said Abramowitz, in an interview with CNN on Friday, after his real identity was exposed in the released documents. “Clint Eastwood was pretty big back then, very much the Hollywood tough guy, and I wanted to be more like him. So I took Clint as my first name. The Hill part I cooked up right there at the hospital before reporters arrived. There was an orderly in the hallway at Parkland Memorial with a name tag that read Roger Hill or something like that. I just put the two together and cooked up Clint Hill.”

Image for post
Ex-Secret Service agent Hymie Abramowitz, aka Clint Hill, says he’s ashamed of having changed his name to appear like a sex symbol. (Credit: www.usatoday.com)

Abramowitz said the other agents were wondering why he was calling himself Clint Hill suddenly, but reporters immediately flocked to him, asking questions about the shooting and calling him a hero, and by the next day the whole nation knew him as Clint Hill, and the name stuck. “I want to apologize to the people for perpetuating a terrible lie all these years. I also want to flatly deny reports that I plucked some of the president’s skull fragments off the bumper of the car and pocketed them as souvenirs — that is totally false. Never happened.”

Image for post
Kennedy and Khrushchev were not friends. But some U.S. presidents do get dangerously close to Russian presidents. (Credit: www.irishcentral.com)

4. Nikita Khrushchev and the Russians were behind the Kennedy assassination. Not true, but Vladimir Putin and the Russians were behind the illegal fix of the 2016 presidential election in favor of Donald Trump, making the Orange Accident a phony POTUS.

5. The mob killed Kennedy. Many believe that the Mafia killed JFK because they were angry about his botched Bay of Pigs invasion of Cuba. This ended any chance of America’s organized crime families resuming their lucrative casino businesses in Havana. The 1964 Warren Commission tasked with investigating Kennedy’s shooting absolved the mob of any involvement. However the mob definitely has ties to current U.S. President Donald Trump, who is also heavily involved in casinos and construction.

6. More than 103 witnesses to the shooting in Dallas died mysterious deaths. Anyone who watched as JFK was shot on November 22, 1963 in Dallas died mysteriously shortly thereafter. That widely-believed conspiracy theory was advanced in the controversial 1973 film Executive Action, and supported by the research of journalist Jim Marrs who came up with a list of 103 witnesses who subsequently died suspiciously. But the newly released files disclose that the magic-bullet that bounced around like crazy inside the president’s limousine also grazed all 103 witnesses standing in Dealey Plaza, who then died of complications from their wounds in the months following JFK’s assassination. Incredible but true!

Image for post
Frank Totes testing his revolutionary new umbrella on November 22, 1963. (Credit: alienscientist.com)

7. The “Umbrella Man” was signaling a trio of assassins. Many have heard of the man with the black umbrella, who conspiracy theorists say was repeatedly opening and closing the rain protection device — on a sunny day — to signal potential assassins staked out around Dealey Plaza. Not true say the classified papers. That man was actually none other than Dallas native, Frank Totes, the inventor of the automatic open/close, portable umbrella. Mr. Totes had no idea Kennedy’s motorcade was going to pass through Dallas. He had gone to famously windy Dealey Plaza that day simply to test the strength of his new rain repelling device and got caught up in the fracas. His umbrellas did become wildly popular in the U.S. in the years to follow.

8. Ted Cruz’s father was an accomplice of Oswald’s. During his 2016 presidential run, Donald Trump pushed a JFK conspiracy theory involving the father of Senator Ted Cruz. According to Trump, Rafael Cruz met with Oswald for breakfast in the days before Kennedy was assassinated, which suggested that the senior Cruz was part of the murder plot. But the trove of files released on Thursday show that Rafael Cruz was not complicit in the assassination of JFK in any way, but that Donald Trump is an inveterate liar.

9. Oswald was alone on the sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository. That is true. Lee Harvey Oswald pulled the trigger three times from a sixth floor window, hidden behind big boxes of stacked of school books, and he acted alone. Random theories advanced over the years that Donald Trump was with Oswald that day are disproved by 30,000 pages of new documents. They state in a number of places: “Any notion that Donald Trump was with Oswald in the Texas School Book Depository on November 22, 1963 was completely debunked by our investigation. As everyone knows, Trump has never been seen in the company of a book. Case closed.”

****

Thanks all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.

Remember, I read every comment. And I try to answer.

Thank you.

–AI

Written by

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store