“Kindergarten Militia” Prepares To Storm Washington If Hillary Is Elected

Members of toddler task force say they are ready to “defend our Lego forts to the death” if Clinton goes for gun-grab

Image for post
Image for post
Kyle Burke leads a Kindergarten Militia unit training in the backwoods of Tennessee. Burke says, “We are prepared to take the White House by force — as long as we can do it after my soccer practice on Saturday.”

They are armed, angry, and about four-feet-tall. They call themselves the Kindergarten Militia (KM), a group of kids, ages 5–8, who believe in guns, God and Gummi Bears and are prepared to “fight for our Second Commandment rights (sic).”

“If Trump loses the election on November 8th, we’ll be ready to move on Washington,” says Sonny Merchane, a second-grader and member of the Georgia KM. “I already told my Mom that I might miss school next Wednesday, and she said ‘over my dead body.’ Well, she’ll just have to suffer the consequences.”

There are about 200 of these mini-militia groups across the nation who exercise their Second Amendment rights by training together in fields and forests once a month. They are heavily armed, wear military-type combat gear, and tend not to do as well as their peers in reading comprehension.

At the Tennessee KM training camp recently many of the wee warriors were being violently thrown to the ground by their weapon’s recoil. Most were not staying overnight because they were afraid of the dark. And several of the children were sitting off to the side because they said “Bobby pushed us.” It was not clear which child was Bobby.

Besides directing their anger at a future Clinton Administration, many of the KM members were worried about an attack by the “Muzzle M’s.” Asked who the Muzzle M’s were, one young boy, Brock Johnson of the Arkansas KM — who had a 9mm Smith & Wesson pistol holstered at his hip — said he thought they were a rap group on Sirius radio. He apparently meant Syria.

A first-grader named Carly Tompkins held up a photo of those she thought might be the “Muzzle M’s.” It showed four young Afghan boys firing pistols on a desert shooting range. “They’re coming to get us,” said Carly, “to make us pray to ‘Moe Hammy.’”

Three sisters from the Idaho KM, Margaret, Katie, and Lucy Monroe, spoke from their home in Coeur d’Alene before leaving for a training exercise on the outskirts of town. Asked if their parents knew they were in possession of a shotgun, an assault rifle, and an Uzi sub machine gun, eight-year-old Margaret laughed and said, “Who do you think bought these for us?”

The FBI is well aware of the Kindergarten Militias mobilizing across the country, but don’t seem overly concerned. Several agents who spoke off the record said they thought it was a good idea for children to be ready for the coming revolution. One New York-based FBI agent added, “It’s about to get ugly out there. Based on the Russian intelligence we’ve collected, there’s no doubt Hillary’s going after the 27 billion guns now in the hands of private citizens. Our children will sleep easier knowing they have the firepower to take out any domestic or foreign threat. Frankly, America’s law enforcement agencies are delighted to have the help of these ‘killer kiddies.’”

Written by

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store