Kershaw Swallows Record 64 Insects In Win Over Nationals

The mouth-breathing pitcher consumed the flying bugs in just 2/3 inning

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Insects are attracted to Kershaw’s gaping hole of a mouth.

Clayton Kershaw, the Los Angeles Dodgers ace, swallowed a record number of airborne insects in his first Major League relief appearance last night.

The 28-year-old left hander, who is also the highest paid pitcher in baseball, consumed roughly 54 mosquitoes, four beetles, two flies, and four moths in just 2/3 innings of play in the final game of a best of five series against the Washington Nationals.

“I knew I was inhaling a lot of critters,” said Kershaw, after the game, “but I was so focused on getting those last two batters out, I hardly noticed. Sixty-four!? Wow, that’s crazy.” Asked why he thinks the record came last night, Kershaw suggested that he’s not often pitching into the late innings and “maybe the number of bugs around the mound increases as the innings go deep.”

Obviously feeling great pride in his number one pitcher, Los Angeles Dodgers’ manager Dave Roberts said, “No one sucks in the little buggers like Clayton does. He chews a lot of gum, you know, so I think when he blows bubbles, he attracts a larger number. But that doesn’t detract from his record. Amazing.”

Dodgers’ head athletic trainer, Sue Falsone, who is charged with removing the masticated insects from Clayton’s mouth after his pitching performances, added, “Once in a night game in Cincinnati, Clayton breathed in a bat, but reflexively spit it out and continued pitching. Nothing can break his concentration when he’s locked in.”

Over the course of nine innings, Kershaw has gobbled up as many as 428 flying insects, also a record, but no one thought he could suction 64 bugs in such a short relief appearance. He was on the mound less than eight minutes.

“I don’t know,” Kershaw said as he gargled in the locker room. “I think growing up in Texas you just get used to bugs swamping your mouth during games. It adds to the challenge.”

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