Truth In Satire

Justice Kennedy Succumbs To Trump’s Poison Tipped Blades And Curare Darts

Retirement now imminent as president’s relentless assault overwhelms nervous system of influential Supreme Court judge

Reports that the thirty-year service of Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy is about to come to an end heated up this week as the judge’s health fails rapidly.

The cause is believed to be a steady diet of poison tipped knives, curare darts, toxic pin pricks, and other lethal substances administered to the 80-year-old judge by President Donald Trump.

Speculation swirled at the end of February that the president might be attempting to prematurely end the career of Mr. Kennedy when, after Mr. Trump addressed a joint session of Congress, it appeared he pierced Justice Kennedy just above the heart with a substance that momentarily staggered the influential judge.

Then, at the the swearing-in ceremony of Justice Neil Gorsuch in the White House Rose Garden in April, the president appeared to jab the older Mr. Kennedy between the ribs with a palmed box cutter as he made some brief remarks. Again, Justice Kennedy swayed but didn’t fall.

Medical experts say that a series of assaults in a short time span with low doses of lethal toxins could slowly destroy the nervous system of an aging person. Mr. Trump’s motivation would be to accelerate the number of Supreme Court picks he would have during his presidency and secure his legacy as someone who reshaped the balance of the most powerful court in the land to a more conservative make-up for at least a generation.

Supreme Court watchers, and especially liberals, are now concerned that Mr. Trump might be trying the same nefarious scheme on Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who is 84.

Many remember that she briefly keeled over during the president’s Congressional address before other justices caught her. At the time, it was believed that she fell asleep out of sheer boredom. Now the theory is that Mr. Trump might have used a miniature blowpipe and shot the feisty judge during his speech using a tiny red dart laced with toxic serum, thereby paralyzing her motor nerves.

The loss of both Justices Kennedy and Ginsburg on the court would almost certainly spell the end of Roe vs. Wade, protecting a woman’s right to an abortion. Many also speculate that Mr. Trump would like to see a conservative Supreme Court address the age of sexual consent. For decades he has been campaigning for a lowering of the legal age to 10.


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