Truth In Satire

John Glenn Bails On Planet At Critical Moment

Intrepid astronaut leaves countless global citizens asking, “What did he know that we don’t?”

John Glenn, the first American to see the Earth’s relative insignificance from the perspective of space, checked out Thursday morning after leaving a mysterious farewell note to the planet.

The fearless astronaut, who became famous worldwide in 1962 as the first American to orbit Earth, wrote in part, “Sorry folks, gotta go. No time to fully explain — let’s just say I got wind from my friends at NASA that the poop is about to hit the rotors. Turns out that the big blue dot I saw from space 60 years ago is way more delicate than even I realized… and it isn’t doing so well with mankind ripping holes in its ozone layer and stinking up the environment.”

Glenn had been vocal in recent years about the need to make climate change a global priority, a warning he felt was going largely unheeded. He addressed this in his parting note: “I kept telling you guys that I could see pinholes in the protective ozone blanket when I was up in the Friendship 7, but you weren’t listening. Now the pin pricks are gosh darn enormous. And still there are climate deniers — really? People, I’m John Glenn, decorated Marine Corps fighter pilot, Mercury astronaut with the right stuff, Senator from the great state of Ohio, married to the same woman for over 73 years, lover of God and country — if you don’t believe me who the heck are you going to believe, the ‘no experience necessary’ president-elect? Let me know how that works out.”

Glenn concluded his farewell letter with a surprising metaphysical reference. “Some will ask why I skedaddled when I was basically in my prime, feeling terrific at 95 and training daily for my next space flight in 2021? Short answer: because I know I can make more of a difference working on a parallel dimension than I can from here. This concentric energetic reality I’m referring to is precisely .2π oscillations out of phase with Earth’s equilibrium and was easy to measure in the thin air of space. If you think I’m full of bullfinch, just ask Buzz Aldrin — he knows what I’m talking about.

Anyway, I’m here at that frequency now and I’m going to keep an eye on you and don’t mess this up. From what I can tell, I can only dematerialize and rematerialize into Earth’s slower amplitude three or four times before experiencing “sentience disintegration” — basically I go ‘poof.’ NASA is checking those calculations, but I’m pretty sure they are correct. And that means … don’t make me come down there again!

Alright, well, that’s if for now. I love you all. Be careful. John Glenn, over and out.”

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