Truth In Satire

Jesus Weighs In: “Trump’s Victory Involved A Foreign Power, Not A Higher Power”

“His faith was lacking, but he was saved by hacking,” said the Holy One

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Jesus says that although Donald Trump was “born again” last June, the president has been completely ignoring him since.

his first public comments since the American election, Jesus Christ said that Donald Trump’s victory “was certainly a miracle, but not one that involved prayer or his devotion to God in any way.”

According to the Holy One, he told Mr. Trump in a rare moment of silence more than a year ago, “to look for earthly assistance from ‘P.’ Of course, I meant the Pope. He completely misunderstood.”

The more the Messiah spoke, the more it appeared that President Trump might be in real hot water with the Redeemer.

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“Dear Lord, I pray these bible thumpers washed their hands before touching my suit, because it cost me like $5000, and someone here is going to pick up the dry cleaning bill.”

“Donald implored me to help him throughout the campaign, but when he won — in a surprise victory that only could have been possible with intervention from a higher power or a foreign power — I did not see him point to the Heavens with gratitude or utter a simple ‘Thank you, Lord.’ Instead, his reverence, loyalty, and affection went directly to Putin, a false idol. Donald is rapidly becoming the puppet of this imperious pagan.”

The Eternal Light continued, “If he doesn’t form a prayer circle in the Oval Office with his all-Christian cabinet soon, and pray to me with honest to goodness sincerity, I can no longer help him. He’s in grave danger of going ruble red permanently.”

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Trump called Jesus a whiner who is always pulling the crucifixion card to get what he wants.

Asked if he was aware that Jesus was upset with him, President Trump seemed annoyed, “What the fuck is wrong with that guy? I told him I would make a huge donation to St. Patrick’s and I will — as soon as my tax audit is completed. I also offered to get him back into the carpenter’s union, but I never heard a ‘Thank you, Mr. President’ from him. I get nothing from this bible beater but a bunch of holier-than-thou crap. You can’t please these religious nuts, I swear.”


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Thanks. — AI

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