The daughter of President Donald Trump was arrested in Iowa on Monday as she was about to unleash a diabolical scheme that would add her father’s sperm to America’s public drinking water.
FBI agents, acting on a tip from 30 or 40 anonymous sources at the White House, seized Ivanka Trump as she was dressed in her high school lab coat, safety goggles, and rubber gloves pouring a sample of her father’s fetid semen into a flask that was poised over an access pipe feeding directly into the nation’s water supply.
“At this point, what we think she was doing was attempting to impregnate hundreds of thousands of American women through oral insemination,” said Special Agent Timothy Vas Deferens, who was the first to storm the remote Iowa lab where Ms. Trump’s science experiment was underway. “We don’t think Ivanka understood that women can’t get pregnant from sipping sperm, even if the president’s sample had been viable, which it wasn’t. The motility count was abnormally low.”
According to Agent Vas Deferens, Ms. Trump admitted to the scheme after notes were found on premises describing the plan, which the president was apparently an accomplice to.
“The notes are mostly scribbled, much of it in crayon, but it appears that father and daughter were plotting to create a Trump master race by getting unsuspecting women to carry the president’s babies,” explained Agent Vas Deferens. “They envisioned that these children would form the foundation of a family dynasty that would remain in power for generations, not just in America but around the world.”
According to the FBI, Ivanka Trump was not alone in the Iowa facility at the time of the raid. With her was brother Eric, who was locked in a bathroom with attack of girly magazines preparing to “top off” any of his father’s vile vials.
Also present was husband Jared Kushner dressed similarly to his wife in a laboratory ensemble, complete with hazmat-style booties. Mr. Kushner, who was bent over an electron microscope when the agents entered, appeared to be removing low motility sperm from the president’s semen specimen using very tiny tweezers.
“To be frank, I don’t think the nation’s water supply was ever in danger,” concluded Agent Vas Deferens. “Sinister as their intentions might have been, this threesome appeared to be totally incompetent and were merely playacting as scientists. We’ve contacted the White House and were asked to immediately fly Ivanka, Eric, and Jared back to Washington so they can resume cosplaying as presidential advisors.”
It is unclear whether charges will be brought against the three for attempting to introduce a race of orange morons into American society, but for now the nation is breathing a collective sigh of relief.
Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is out of our hair.
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