Truth In Satire

Is Anything Dumber Than Donald Trump?

America’s half-wit president faces off against eight other really stupid things to determine which is smarter

The Master of Morons is not only dumb but offensive in every way, too. (Credit:

Mensa International, an organization of men and women with extremely high IQs, is so concerned about the deficient intellect of the U.S. president that it evaluated him against eight other incredibly stupid things to see just how low his brainpower goes.

How did the leader of the free world fare? Will he wear the crown of Master of Morons? Here are Mensa’s results.

Mensa found that a stack of bricks had more self-awareness than Donnie Dumbelldore. (Credit: /

Donald Trump vs a Moldering Pile of Old Bricks:
You might not think there’d be any contest between the president and a stack of insensate clay blocks. But Mensa members concluded that the bricks were smart enough to know that they were too dumb to run for president. Donald Trump did not come to that same conclusion in his own case. Mensa’s verdict: Bricks — Stupid/Trump — Stupider.

Orange on top is where the similarity stops. (Credit:

Donald Trump vs Carrot Top:
Mensa points out that the shared orange hair is where the resemblance ends. The comedian Carrot Top might be offensive to many and seem dull-witted to others, but he’s actually a successful performer and astute businessman who has parlayed his “stupid” act in Las Vegas into a sizable fortune. Trump, on the other hand, isn’t funny, isn’t a good businessman, and has only been able to parlay his “stupid” act into numerous bankruptcies. Mensa puts the Carrot on top: Comedian — Dumb, Trump — Dumber.

Smarter than they look hanging flaccidly up there. (

Donald Trump vs. a Pair of Converse All Star Chuck Taylor High-Tops Dangling from a Telephone Wire: What could be dumber than a pair of basketball shoes thrown over a telephone wire? Donald Trump, that’s what. Yes, Mensa members concluded that Converse “Chucks,” dating back to 1923, have a long history of being cool, high quality, and delivering superior performance. In other words, a “smart” pair of athletic casuals. This contrasts with Donald Trump’s long history of being an uncool jerk and performing poorly in all areas of his life. The Mensa team also determined that Mr. Trump would probably not be able to hold onto a telephone wire for more than a few seconds before falling off, making him not only foolish, but fat. Again, the iconic Converse sneakers on a wire received an “Unintelligent” score, while Donald Trump received “More Unintelligent.”

Stupid, idiotic, or just painful? Doesn’t matter, he’s still smarter than Trump. (Credit:

Donald Trump vs a Man Pulling a Car By His Eyelids:
Mensa judges deemed the act of dragging a car by the lower eyelids more idiotic than stupid. And they point out that Donald Trump has let his eyes get him into far more foolish predicaments, including dozens of apparent sexual assaults due to lasciviously ogling of innocent females. Although this one was a close call, it was ultimately determined that Eyelid Strongman is smarter than Donald Trump because he only dragged a car into the gutter, while Donald Trump is dragging an entire nation into the swamp. Once again, Eyelid Strongman “Idiotic,” Donald Trump “Even More Idiotic.”

If Rob Schneider refuses the lead in the third Deuce Bigalow installment, Donald Trump is nitwit ready. (Credit:

Donald Trump vs Deuce Bigalow:Male Gigolo: Easily the dumbest movie of all time, Deuce Bigalow stars the dopey actor Rob Schneider in his stupidest role as a fish tank cleaner fired for scrubbing a public aquarium tank in the nude. Through a series of misfortunes, he is then forced to become an unsuccessful gigolo, which is where the Mensa geniuses found parallels to Donald Trump. Both Deuce and the Dunce have failed as gigolos, but the Mensas found Deuce’s early job as a fish tank cleaner a more noble and inspired profession than being a crooked real estate developer, a tax cheat, and a failed president. While the voting was close, Deuce was determined by the Einsteins to be less dumb. Bigalow 1, Trump 0.

Very stupid-looking, but received points for remaining stoic in the face of criticism. (Credit:

Donald Trump vs. Five-Fingered Running Shoes: “Possibly the stupidest looking footwear ever invented,” said one Mensa member as she turned away in disgust. The other Mensa judges agreed, but that did not absolve Donald Trump of being even more stupid looking and his presidency even more of a bone-headed creation. None of the Mensa evaluators could find any reason for the existence of five-fingered running shoes, and that was how they felt about Donald Trump, too. But they gave the shoes some credit for remaining silent while the world laughed at them, while Trump threatens to blow up the world if ridiculed. The Mensa members were divided but ultimately decided that the president was the more ludicrous of the two: Five-Fingered Running Shoes, 1, Trump, 0.

Dumb as this is, Trump is dumber. (Credit:

Donald Trump vs Standing In Times Square Freezing Your Ass Off Waiting for the New Year’s Eve Ball to Drop: Surely standing in the freezing cold for nine hours waiting for a crystal sphere to fall 30-feet so you can enjoy a minute of high-pitched screaming and drunken kissing has got to be dumbest thing in the world, even dumber than Donald Trump. No, not according to the brainiacs at Mensa. While they agreed freezing one’s ass off is stupid, and getting vomited on even stupider, they acknowledged than being in Times Square on New Year’s Eve is a peak life experience for many people, one talked about for decades, and a true coming of age moment for generations of college-age adults. In 2017, standing around waiting for Donald Trump to give his inauguration speech with a few dozen other people turned out to be way more stupid. Which is why hardly anyone showed up. Score: Standing Around Freezing in Times Square — Really Stupid, Trump — Off The Charts Stupid.

This #!@*! thing is so goddamn stupid, but Donald Trump acts as a tire boot on America’s progressive agenda, so he’s stupider. (Credit:

Donald Trump vs a Parking Boot Clamp: Nothing is quite as stupid, or infuriating, as seeing one of those yellow or orange wheel locks wrapped around your wheel rim, so say the Mensa members. But they were unanimous in their assessment that, while the parking boot serves a purpose, albeit an irritating one, Donald Trump is also stupid and irritating, but serves no purpose at all — exempt to “to keep a lock on American progress,” as one of the geniuses put it. The entire panel of judges called the wheel boots crude and stupid, but Donald Trump garnered a longer list of offensive names, almost none of which can be reprinted here: Wheel Boot — F**king Stupid, Donald Trump — More F**king Stupid.

And there you have it, the esteemed Mensa International team of appraisers are calling it 8–0 in favor of Donald Trump being named Master of Morons.


Thanks all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.

Remember, I read every comment. And I try to answer.

Thank you.


Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at

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