Truth In Satire

In Series of Bizarre Breakfast Tweets, Trump Rates Favorite Cereal Mascots

President says he’s a big fan of Tony The Tiger’s signature “GRRREAT!” message, but shares Count Chocula’s sensibilities

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President Trump says that Tony The Tiger’s enthusiastic “It’s GRRReat!” message most closely matches his vision for America.

In a flurry of unusual tweets on Monday morning that provided a window onto his values, level of empathy, and world view, President Donald Trump rated all of his favorite cartoon cereal mascots.

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The president likes Cap’n Crunch’s take charge attitude.

Have loved Tony The Tiger for 65 yrs. Got the muscle and sugar content I love. He’s grrreat!” wrote the president.

Mr. Trump also had positive words for Cap’n Crunch, who he called a courageous naval officer and personal idol: “Crunch takes charge like yours truly. Great instincts for battle. America loves leaders who fight, never give up!

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Sonny is “cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs,” while President Trump is just cuckoo.

Mr. Trump, who is known for his love of sugary foods and snacks, has previously said that he enjoyed colorful Trix cereal with it’s 46% sugar content and mischievous Trix Rabbit mascot (“Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!”), but was mostly a huge fan of Cocoa Puffs growing up.

“Definitely ‘cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs’ as a kid — always got a laugh from Sonny the crazy cuckoo bird, introduced by General Mills in probably 1960 or so.”

The president claims he has an encyclopedic knowledge of the various cartoon cereal mascots, and knows when all of the different characters were created and launched. This mastery of an arcane field of interest stands in stark contrast to Mr. Trump’s almost total lack of knowledge about anything pertaining to his presidency, including American history, democratic institutions, federal law, and world affairs, all of which would serve him better in his current role.

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Warning: While delicious. a regular diet of Count Chocula cereal could lead to poor decision making and irresponsible leadership.

While Mr. Trump wrapped up his cereal tweets Monday writing about his love for Toucan Sam, the animated “spokesbird” for Fruit Loops (“Toucan Sam, created by artist Manuel Vega, came on scene 1963. Iconic character. Amazing cereal.”), his most enthusiastic Twitter praise was reserved for Count Chocula, the vampire mascot with the eponymous cereal.

Love all Gen Mill’s monster-themed cereals — Franken Berry, Boo-Berry, and my fave, Count Chocula.”

Little known fact — his real name is Count Alfred Chocula!

Mixes syrupy sweet with major scare appeal — like me. Brilliant marketing. Really relate to this cereal.”

Eating Count Chocu right now. Gettin’ my chocolate fix early. Incredible way to start the day.”

After the president completed his edifying Twitter barrage on kid’s cereals, the White House issued this statement: “President Trump believes all Americans should begin their day with a healthy breakfast. Please consult your physician before consuming large amounts of sugar laden cereals.”

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Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is out of our hair.

I read every comment. And I try to answer as many as possible.

Thank you.

–AI

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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