Truth In Satire

In Candid Remarks, Pope Francis Declares Prayer “A Total Waste Of Time”

A disillusioned Holy Father states, “I’m not counting on God anymore — it’s every man and woman for themselves”

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The Pope now believes that Jesus invented prayer so people would bow their heads and close their eyes while he picked their pockets.

peaking to the Vatican press pool at his private residence last week, Pope Francis said he has determined that prayer doesn’t work and that followers should now prepare to fend for themselves without God’s help.

“I’m an 80-year-old man and I have been praying all my life,” said the Pontiff, speaking in his native Spanish. “I can now definitely state that prayer is an utter waste of time. It didn’t matter if I was down on my knees until they were scraped raw, God never gave me any direction and I never saw any big miracles and, of course, the world is going to hell. Excuse me for swearing.”

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According to reliable Vatican sources, Emeritus Pope Benedict XVI has also given up praying and is now totally obsessed with the “League of Legends” video game.

The Holy Father added that he had recently been to visit his predecessor, Emeritus Pope Benedict XVI, to discuss his reservations about prayer and whether the Lord even existed.

According to His Holiness, Pope Benedict shared similar doubts about God, saying, “Why do you think I quit the job, Frank? I was pleading with the Creator round the clock to intervene in this irredeemable world, but I never heard a peep out of him. On top of that, we made fools of ourselves wearing those ridiculous cloaks, hats, and dresses!”

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His Holiness has told his staff to keep the Vatican jet fully fueled and ready to depart at a moment’s notice: “I won’t be sticking around when ISIS comes to decapitate me.”

Pope Francis said he now has little hope for the future of the world, especially with “that moron tweeting planetary threats out of Washington,” and may himself return to Argentina where he has a well-stocked underground shelter.

“Don’t judge me,” said the Pope, seeming defensive. “How can I remain hopeful with ISIS making good on its promise to massacre Christians, a European war with Russia seeming inevitable, and America keeping a mentally ill megalomaniac in office who I truly believe would launch nuclear weapons as casually as teeing up his Titleist golf balls? I’m sorry, you can keep your triple tiara, Fisherman’s Ring, papal staff, and the power of prayer. I’m heading home to Buenos Aires where I’m going to eat as much pizza as I can feed into my face and watch as many San Lorenzo football games as a life of leisure allows.”

The Pope concluded the news conference by saying he would probably skip giving Sunday Mass at St. Peter’s Basilica going forward as it requires him to wake-up very early. “It’s been more than 2000 years — if Catholics don’t know what to do with themselves on Sundays by now, they should probably just go take a Pilates class instead. Me, I’m going to sleep in on Sundays then meet some friends for brunch over on Via Giulia. Goodbye. I wish good luck to everyone.”


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