Truth In Satire

How Democrats And Republicans Prepare Differently For Hurricanes

Members of the two major parties have distinct approaches for dealing with powerful storms and the contrasts are dramatic

When it comes to hurricanes, there’s a Category 5 difference between Republicans and Democrats. (Credit: donkeyhotey@wordpress.com)

With Hurricane Harvey blowing through Texas last week, Irma about to hit Florida, and Jose lining up to wallop the southeast coast next, it has been instructive to watch Democrats and Republicans prepare in their own unique ways for these historic storms.

Here’s a look at the two diverse approaches:

Weather Monitoring:
Democrats tune into the Weather Channel and CNN, and check the The National Hurricane Center website for frequent updates.
Republicans watch the Weather Channel and Fox News, but refuse to check The National Hurricane Center website because they want the agency defunded.

Stocking Supplies:
Democrats buy bottled water, whole wheat bread, lentils, cans of tuna, solar-powered generators, and sustainably harvested and reclaimed wood for rebuilding.
Republicans buy soda and beer, white bread, Rice-A-Roni, cans of Spam, gas-guzzling generators, and lumber from the rainforests for rebuilding.

Fueling Vehicles:
Democrats queue up in an orderly fashion, never honk, and wait patiently in the gas lines as they advance to the pumps.
Republicans use their oversized SUVs and pick-up trucks to cut in line, they lean on the horn indiscriminately, and they draw a pistol if anyone tries the same shit on them.

Communications:
Democrats have considered how they’ll communicate with family members and authorities in the area if they lose power during a hurricane as well as their landline phone connection. They also charge all cell phones in advance so they have a full charge for texting or checking storm links on social media.
Republicans can use the CB radios in their trucks to communicate. And they, too, will fully charge their cell phones so they can play video games until the storm passes.

Flood Planning:
Democrats raise their furniture off the floor, roll up rugs, and lift other valuables like televisions from the ground to guard against flood damage. They then take their families to upper floors to keep them safe until help arrives.
Republicans try to channel rising water away from their homes towards those dwellings down the street that are owned by undesirables.

Property Protection:
Democrats sandbag their homes against rising water a few days in advance, then they help their neighbors to board-up and barricade their own houses ahead of the storm.
Republicans purchase more ammunition for their firearms in the event that minorities and other undesirables try to gain access to their property or loot their businesses.

Go-Bags:
Democrats know it is wise to put together a disaster supply kit in the event they have to leave their homes on short notice. They generally stock their go-bags with a flashlight, batteries, cash, first aid supplies, medications, and copies of identification papers or medical information that might be useful to emergency responders.
Republicans know they can whip down to the 7–11 store for any necessities, so why bother with a go-bag? The convenience store carries penlights, cigarettes, matches, beer, Oscar Mayer cold cuts, chips, scratch-off cards, and Twizzlers.

Mandatory Evacuation Orders:
Democrats tend to follow the guidance of government agencies, heeding the warnings of their governors, mayors, and law enforcement officials and leaving their homes promptly when told.
Republicans want to know who the fuck you think you are for telling them they can’t stay put in their trailers and who’s afraid of a little wind and rain anyway? Not them!

Evacuation Routes:
Democrats have studied their local hurricane evacuation routes in advance and have arranged for a place to stay with family members, in a hotel, or at a community center that is out of the storm’s path.
Republicans still want to know who the fuck you think you are for telling them they can’t stay put in their trailers. Evacuate this, assholes!

After The Hurricane:
Democrats promptly photograph any damage to their homes and property to assist them in filing insurance claims.
Republicans photograph the surrounding devastation from their trailer homes as they float downriver. Some of these photos could end up on TMZ and make them rich.

Author’s Note: I have been criticized in the past week for making light of the destructive and deadly storms that have hit the United States. It’s true, I’ll try to find humor in anything and I’m sorry if I’ve offended anyone. That said, if you must sandbag your home against floodwaters, it is best to stack Republicans in the path of the surge because they are heavier, thicker, and less likely to budge.

****

Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week, until the Orange Accident is no more.

I read every comment and I try to answer as many as possible.

Thank you.

–AI

Written by

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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