With the latest research showing that truthful travel advertising is more effective at attracting tourists than hyperbole and over-promise, many countries are revamping their national tourism campaigns with newer, truer slogans.
The honest slogans will launch in time for the 2017 holiday travel season. Here’s a sneak peak:
Albania: Most of our citizens have fled, so you’ll have the place to yourself
Algeria: We speak fancy French, but rob you in basic Arabic
Argentina: Get a free Che Guevara t-shirt or wall poster
Armenia: Book a trip and we’ll promise to stop going on and on about the Turkish genocide
Australia: Still mostly descended from criminals, but we’re all really drunk, so we won’t bother you
Austria: Heil and Happy!
Bahamas: Just like being in Britain, without the cold, the rain, or the whites
Bangladesh: Our children are no longer starving, so you don’t have to finish your peas anymore
Belgium: We’re finally making some headway with those Islamic terror cells
Belize: Birthplace of the sleepless “Howler Monkey Honeymoon”
Bolivia: Come for our tasty guinea pig…stay till the diarrhea passes
Brazil: Home of the world-famous Zika mosquito
Cambodia: Enjoy our national pastime, digging for landmines
Canada: Proud to be the world’s last sane democracy
China: Come learn Mandarin, soon to be your national language
Colombia: Not nearly the number of cartel killings as Mexico
Cuba: The cigars, the cars, the communists!
Denmark: Hydrate your skin in a dewy paradise where it either rains or snows every other day
Dominican Republic: The poor man’s St. Barths
Egypt: We’re telling you right now, the Sphinx doesn’t look like it does in the cartoons and IT DOESN’T WALK, so stop asking us
Ethiopia: Still wiping with our left hands, then making your dinner
Finland: Boasting the lowest stillbirth rate in the world! (which is hard to believe because, frankly, no one wants to be born here)
France: About to go alt-right, so get here soon
Georgia: We’re the country, not the state
Germany: Working every day to make you forget the Nazis
Greece: We’re so fucked up, who knows if we’ll even exist as a country by the time you arrive
Grenada: Welcoming your rejected medical students since 1985
Haiti: Hey, thanks for even considering us!
Iceland: We sound so much colder than we are
India: More than a giant call center
Indonesia: Feel the love in beautiful Bali (but stay away from the hate in the rest of our country)
Iran: Call us Persia, because we’re trying to rebrand after the sanctions
Iraq: Don’t bother
Ireland: Guinness. Need we say more?
Israel: Where just riding a public bus is an adrenaline rush
Italy: We talk with our hands, but pinch your ass with our index finger and thumb
Jamaica: Get your ganja from me, mon, fulljoy
Japan: Marvel at our human subway sardines
Kazakhstan: Our wine is NOT made from fermented horse urine, no matter what Borat says
Kenya: Welcome back Barack and his countrymen!
Liechtenstein: It sounds Jewish, but it’s not
Macedonia: Don’t come for the nuts, that’s macadamia, we don’t grow those here
Madagascar: An actual country, not a computer-animated comedy
Mexico: Explore our pristine beaches, located just beyond that wall
Monaco: We keep the riffraff out
Mongolia: More National Geographic specials than any other country in the world
Morocco: No longer kidnapping your wives for the sex trade
Nepal: Climb Everest, the tallest mountain peak in the world! (Just ignore the 286 frozen corpses buried in the ice fields)
Netherlands: We know this is a little confusing, but we’re also Holland
New Zealand: Not fucking our sheep anymore, so you probably won’t get syphilis
Nicaragua: Live like a rebel!
Norway: 5.1 million smart blondes, all living in one place
Pakistan: The last vacation you’ll ever take
Panama: Don’t come for the canal, come for our cocaine
Philippines: Our new president is crazy fun — okay, more crazy than fun
Poland: Still Europe’s funniest punchline…hahaha!
Qatar: Another one of those oil rich nations, but smaller
South Korea: Here’s a sightseeing map, now go away and stop bothering us, we’re making electronics shit
Russia: Excited to reestablish the Soviet Union again!
Rwanda: We’re killing our gorillas at a rate of five a day, so hurry up
Samoa: Lots of giant fat guys, some of whom make it to the NFL
Saudi Arabia: Not really your friend, but we’ll pretend to be
Scotland: Lads and lassies going “kilt commando” since 1297
Seychelles: Like “seashells” with a funny accent
Sierra Leone: Find a blood diamond…and you get to keep it!
Singapore: A city-state so progressive, we recently stopped cane lashing tourists for chewing gum in public
Slovenia: Birthplace of Melania, but don’t hold that against us
South Africa: Get that apartheid feeling again
Sweden: Think Norway, with a few more brunettes
Switzerland: Whatever the problem is, we’re staying out of it
Syria: Just like playing your favorite video game, but with real bullets!
Thailand: We’re ready for the next tsunami
Tibet: Walk where the Dalai Lama once did…before he was exiled and then forbidden to return
Tonga: Not the toy (that’s spelled with a “k”) or the tennis player (that’s spelled with an “s” after the “T”)
Trinidad and Tobago: Almost nothing to do here, so we had to combine two countries
Turkey: Used to be nice, now just another place with frequent travel advisories
Uganda: Madman Idi Amin died a long time ago. We promise.
Ukraine: See the last gasp of a dying nation
Great Britain: Home to priceless Victorian relics… like our Queen!
Tanzania: Look out! Elephant poachers! Just kidding
United States of America: Thanks for a nice run. Goodbye!
Venezuela: We’re bankrupt, so you can haggle for everything
Vietnam: Leading the world in illegal organ transplant tourism
Zimbabwe: Come. Relax. Feel the protection of Joseph Mugabe’s iron fist
Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.
I read every comment. And I try to answer.