80 Nations Roll Out Newer, Truer Tourist Slogans

Countries from Albania to Zimbabwe are replacing their grandiose tourism tag lines with more candid catchphrases

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Following a new truth-in-tourism trend, most of the world’s countries are rolling out their honest travel slogans next week.

With the latest research showing that truthful travel advertising is more effective at attracting tourists than hyperbole and over-promise, many countries are revamping their national tourism campaigns with newer, truer slogans.

The honest slogans will launch in time for the 2017 holiday travel season. Here’s a sneak peak:

Albania: Most of our citizens have fled, so you’ll have the place to yourself

Algeria: We speak fancy French, but rob you in basic Arabic

Argentina: Get a free Che Guevara t-shirt or wall poster

Armenia: Book a trip and we’ll promise to stop going on and on about the Turkish genocide

Australia: Still mostly descended from criminals, but we’re all really drunk, so we won’t bother you

Austria: Heil and Happy!

Bahamas: Just like being in Britain, without the cold, the rain, or the whites

Bangladesh: Our children are no longer starving, so you don’t have to finish your peas anymore

Belgium: We’re finally making some headway with those Islamic terror cells

Belize: Birthplace of the sleepless “Howler Monkey Honeymoon”

Bolivia: Come for our tasty guinea pig…stay till the diarrhea passes

Brazil: Home of the world-famous Zika mosquito

Cambodia: Enjoy our national pastime, digging for landmines

Canada: Proud to be the world’s last sane democracy

China: Come learn Mandarin, soon to be your national language

Colombia: Not nearly the number of cartel killings as Mexico

Cuba: The cigars, the cars, the communists!

Denmark: Hydrate your skin in a dewy paradise where it either rains or snows every other day

Dominican Republic: The poor man’s St. Barths

Egypt: We’re telling you right now, the Sphinx doesn’t look like it does in the cartoons and IT DOESN’T WALK, so stop asking us

Ethiopia: Still wiping with our left hands, then making your dinner

Finland: Boasting the lowest stillbirth rate in the world! (which is hard to believe because, frankly, no one wants to be born here)

France: About to go alt-right, so get here soon

Georgia: We’re the country, not the state

Germany: Working every day to make you forget the Nazis

Greece: We’re so fucked up, who knows if we’ll even exist as a country by the time you arrive

Grenada: Welcoming your rejected medical students since 1985

Haiti: Hey, thanks for even considering us!

Iceland: We sound so much colder than we are

India: More than a giant call center

Indonesia: Feel the love in beautiful Bali (but stay away from the hate in the rest of our country)

Iran: Call us Persia, because we’re trying to rebrand after the sanctions

Iraq: Don’t bother

Ireland: Guinness. Need we say more?

Israel: Where just riding a public bus is an adrenaline rush

Italy: We talk with our hands, but pinch your ass with our index finger and thumb

Jamaica: Get your ganja from me, mon, fulljoy

Japan: Marvel at our human subway sardines

Kazakhstan: Our wine is NOT made from fermented horse urine, no matter what Borat says

Kenya: Welcome back Barack and his countrymen!

Liechtenstein: It sounds Jewish, but it’s not

Macedonia: Don’t come for the nuts, that’s macadamia, we don’t grow those here

Madagascar: An actual country, not a computer-animated comedy

Mexico: Explore our pristine beaches, located just beyond that wall

Monaco: We keep the riffraff out

Mongolia: More National Geographic specials than any other country in the world

Morocco: No longer kidnapping your wives for the sex trade

Nepal: Climb Everest, the tallest mountain peak in the world! (Just ignore the 286 frozen corpses buried in the ice fields)

Netherlands: We know this is a little confusing, but we’re also Holland

New Zealand: Not fucking our sheep anymore, so you probably won’t get syphilis

Nicaragua: Live like a rebel!

Norway: 5.1 million smart blondes, all living in one place

Pakistan: The last vacation you’ll ever take

Panama: Don’t come for the canal, come for our cocaine

Philippines: Our new president is crazy fun — okay, more crazy than fun

Poland: Still Europe’s funniest punchline…hahaha!

Qatar: Another one of those oil rich nations, but smaller

South Korea: Here’s a sightseeing map, now go away and stop bothering us, we’re making electronics shit

Russia: Excited to reestablish the Soviet Union again!

Rwanda: We’re killing our gorillas at a rate of five a day, so hurry up

Samoa: Lots of giant fat guys, some of whom make it to the NFL

Saudi Arabia: Not really your friend, but we’ll pretend to be

Scotland: Lads and lassies going “kilt commando” since 1297

Seychelles: Like “seashells” with a funny accent

Sierra Leone: Find a blood diamond…and you get to keep it!

Singapore: A city-state so progressive, we recently stopped cane lashing tourists for chewing gum in public

Slovenia: Birthplace of Melania, but don’t hold that against us

South Africa: Get that apartheid feeling again

Sweden: Think Norway, with a few more brunettes

Switzerland: Whatever the problem is, we’re staying out of it

Syria: Just like playing your favorite video game, but with real bullets!

Thailand: We’re ready for the next tsunami

Tibet: Walk where the Dalai Lama once did…before he was exiled and then forbidden to return

Tonga: Not the toy (that’s spelled with a “k”) or the tennis player (that’s spelled with an “s” after the “T”)

Trinidad and Tobago: Almost nothing to do here, so we had to combine two countries

Turkey: Used to be nice, now just another place with frequent travel advisories

Uganda: Madman Idi Amin died a long time ago. We promise.

Ukraine: See the last gasp of a dying nation

Great Britain: Home to priceless Victorian relics… like our Queen!

Tanzania: Look out! Elephant poachers! Just kidding

United States of America: Thanks for a nice run. Goodbye!

Venezuela: We’re bankrupt, so you can haggle for everything

Vietnam: Leading the world in illegal organ transplant tourism

Zimbabwe: Come. Relax. Feel the protection of Joseph Mugabe’s iron fist

****

Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.

I read every comment. And I try to answer.

Thank you.

–AI

Written by

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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