Truth In Satire

He’s Wild, He’s Wacky, But Most of All Donald Trump Is …“MODERN DAY PRESIDENTIAL”

21 clear indications that we’re dealing with a newfangled kind of president

Just look at that strong chin, that aquiline nose, that … cotton candy on his head. This man is MODERN DAY PRESIDENTIAL! (Credit: STAT News)

Increasingly criticized for his frequent and provocative use of social media, President Donald Trump defended his heavy Twitter activity last week by calling it appropriate for the digital age, as well as, “MODERN DAY PRESIDENTIAL.”

To clarify what the president meant by the term, the White House issued a statement with the heading, “21 Donald Trump characteristics, behaviors, and actions that make him…MODERN DAY PRESIDENTIAL.”

Here is the core content of that statement, sent to media outlets worldwide:

  1. President Trump uses the term “modern,” which in itself is very hip and current. Ask any teenager (from the 80's).
  2. The president tapes this neck ties together, which the French call “au courant.”
Golf is the modern day equivalent of other sports. (Credit: Snopes.com)

3. Our commander in chief plays a lot of golf, a game which is enjoying a huge resurgence with inner city hip-hopsters. The president is very up on such things.

4. Mr. Trump is a trendsetter when it comes to hair. All the kids are wearing a similar cut today, perhaps with a little less hairspray.

5. Our president likes snacks that give him a boost — super foods like Cheetos, Doritos, and Pepsi. No acai bowls or Sweetgreen salads for this president! He’s All-American!

6. He sometimes tweets out silly words on purpose like “covfefe,” just because he knows it will amuse his modern followers, and no one has a better sense of humor than Donald Trump. Hahahahaha.

7. President Trump wears red baseball caps with catchy phrases on them. Red is ultra-modern.

8. The president sleeps with his daughter. Polyamory and incest are very fashionable today, and Mr. Trump enjoys both.

9. Some people call the president egotistical, but they just don’t understand that the digital age is all about self-absorption. Donald Trump is super self-absorbed, which is very chic.

10. You are MODERN DAY PRESIDENTIAL when you know exactly how to use Twitter and Facebook effectively, and have mastered the ins-and-outs of cyberbullying. Our president is an expert.

Our social media savvy president: “Eat my farts Rosie O’Donnell!” (Credit: Mediaite.com)

11. Having a mental illness, and blogging about it, is very much in vogue. The president is a paranoid schizophrenic, as well as a few other things, and he puts it right out there for all the world to see. Which is courageous. Therefore, the president is Mr. Courageous, as well as Mr. Modern.

12. It’s not old-fashioned to be super rich, and our president is a multi-billionaire. That’s billionaire with a capital B! It’s all right there on his tax returns, which he plans to release as soon as the IRS audit is over. It’s a very complicated audit, maybe the most complicated ever, because Mr. Trump is so loaded.

13. Russia is cool. Soviet-era stuff is even cooler. President Trump adores Russia. He even wants to bring Russia to America.

“Can we get a camera on that guy over there? I love that guy.” (Credit: CNN.com)

14. The president often loves “that guy over there.” Embracing strangers in a crowd simply because they’re fawning over you at a distance is very twenty-first-century friendly.

15. Mr. Trump is highly sexual, a characteristic common with modern-day, charismatic men. He likes to have sex at least once a week (on the weeks when he’s shed a few pounds and can find his penis).

16. Building modern buildings with lots of gold leaf on them is what Mr. Trump loves to do in the morning before he does the presidential things. Covering everything with gold leaf is extra tony (“tony” means modern).

Hello, Mr. Modern Day Presidential! (Credit: Mediaite.com)

17. Old copies of Playboy Magazine are now retro-cool. Donald Trump was one of the only men ever to appear on the cover. It happened in 1990 but it’s even more modernistic today.

18. Knowing how horrible nuclear war is, and knowing how to avoid getting into one, is present-day smart. Well, not to worry, because as Donald Trump said last June, “There is nobody who understands the horror of nuclear more than me.” Feeling better? You should.

You know how modern people fist bump? Our president is always ready. (Credit: South China Morning Post)

19. And you can stop worrying about the environment, too. Because, like a kid collecting aluminum cans for a nickel, our president keeps climate issues top of mind. Need proof? Here’s what he said in April 2016: “I know more about renewables than any human being on Earth.” See, all will be well with the planet! Yay!

20. Executive orders rock. They are even better than actual legislation in this modern day era. Mr. Trump signs executive orders quickly and with real flair. Which is so phat (a cool word still).

Respect for women is the trademark of any modern day president. (Credit: Newsweek)

21. And probably the most obvious thing that makes Mr. Donald Trump so MODERN DAY PRESIDENTIAL is his understanding of feminism and his big league respect for women. He famously wrote in support of women: “Women have one of the great acts of all time. The smart ones act very feminine and needy, but inside they are real killers. The person who came up with the expression ‘the weaker sex’ was either very naive or had to be kidding. I have seen women manipulate men with just a twitch of their eye — or perhaps another body part.” He knows what women want and he’s going to help them get it. Yes, President Trump is a modern man Making America Great Again!

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Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week, until the Orange Accident is no more.

I read every comment. And I try to answer as many as possible.

Thank you.

–AI

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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