Truth In Satire
GOP Launches New “Repubby Buddies” Inaction Figures As Part Of Rebranding Effort
Major PR campaign is aimed at boosting Republican likability after steep drop in approval ratings
The Republican party, desperate for a bounce in the polls after a disastrous first few months for the Trump presidency, is undertaking a major rebranding effort complete with a “Repubby Buddies” line of GOP inaction figures.
“Our research tells us that the American people don’t perceive our party as likable,” said Reince Priebus, former Republican Party Chairman and current White House Chief of Staff. “To the contrary, they consider us arrogant, angry, misogynistic, racist, ultra-conservative, bellicose, all-white, all-male, moralistic, and elitist. These are generally not considered to be positive attributes.”
To help them with the rebranding campaign, the party has hired the prominent New York public relations firm, Burston-Marsteller.
“The Burston-Marsteller team has a strong history with crisis management and the Republican party is definitely in a crisis,” said Priebus. “In fact, we’re in such deep shit, we decided we had to bring in BM.”
Nick Price, the Vice-President of Political Lobbying and Management at Burston-Marsteller, says his firm will focus on the “friendly factor” when remaking the Republican image, as well as building a base with younger people, who he calls “the discerning voters of tomorrow.”
“The central idea around which we hope to build an entire rebrand for the Republican Party is the ‘Repubby Buddies’ inaction figure series,” said BM’s Price. “I won’t hide the fact that we were hoping to piggyback on the incredible success and enormous popularity of the Teletubbies television show and toy line. Young people are crazy about the adorable, multi-colored characters. Teletubbies also have television screens implanted in their bellies and we thought the subliminal associations might appeal to the TV-obsessed president.”
Price went on to say that Repubby Buddies inaction figures have the potential to both soften the despotic, frightening image of the Republican leaders and their party, while making them seem more electable. “We want the American people to feel they have a friend in Washington, or perhaps a ‘buddy’ in the White House who they can trust. We do know that’s a stretch, but at BM we’re up to the challenge.”
Burston-Marsteller said that they hope to release the President Donald Trump inaction figure — featuring removable hair for easy styling, an extra long necktie, a suit with really deep pockets, and very tiny hands with extended index finger ready to tweet — by early June. Paul Ryan will immediately follow, with hopes of getting a Mitch McConnell inaction figure out shortly thereafter.
“McConnell is tricky, because he’s old, crotchety, and ill-tempered” said Price. “But we think we’ve solved that by calling his inaction figure, Mr. McTurtle, and giving him a turtle shell torso. Nobody can hate a turtle, not even a Republican one.”
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