Truth In Satire

GOP Health Bill Dies Due To Preexisting Condition — It Was Rotten To Its Core

Republican effort to repeal Obamacare fails for second time after conservative proposal suffers from being terminally evil

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Veteran observers in Washington put Mitch McConnell’s prognosis for retaining GOP leadership at “critical” after the collapse of his health bill. (Credit: Huffington Post)

In a late development on Monday night, the Republican bill to repeal the Affordable Care Act dropped stone dead before ever reaching the floor of the Senate for a vote. The bill was just too chronically weak and riddled with cancerous evil to survive.

Championed by Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, who spent seven years promising that he would kill Obamacare, the GOP health bill also suffered from being supported by President Donald Trump — a man whose defects, disabilities, and mental illness terminally weighed down the already moribund bill.

It didn’t help the Republican cause that Senator John McCain, who underwent craniotomy surgery last week for a two-inch blood clot above his eye, would not have been able to have the procedure without the excellent coverage of his Obamacare policy.

Recovering at home in Arizona, the 80-year-old senator said, “Thank god for the Affordable Care Act because, although I had a minimally invasive craniotomy, I would not have been able to cover the cost on my government salary. I must admit, Obamacare really is a lifesaver. Not just for me, but for millions of Americans.”

Upon hearing Sen. McCain’s statement regarding Obamacare, Sen. McConnell freaked out and said, “My good friend John McCain had a very serious blood clot in his skull accompanied by headaches, speech difficulties and, most importantly, confusion. He doesn’t know what he’s saying about the benefits of that terrible Affordable Care Act that the Kenyan passed. We must repeal it in a hurry before we lose both houses of Congress and President Trump is impeached.”

To those comments, Mr. McCain responded. “I don’t have headaches or confusion, Mitch, you dolt. Obamacare is simply better, and a whole lot kinder, than that piece of shit bill you’re floating around. Your healthcare plan reads like it was written by a bunch of sadists. Accept defeat and move on!”

Funeral plans for the Republican health bill have not been announced, as Mitch McConnell is still trying to perform triage on the deceased bill despite assurances from the medical community and insurance industry that its vital signs have completely flatlined.


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