Truth In Satire

God Curses Trump With “Numb Tongue” In Middle Of His Jerusalem Speech

President stumbles through major announcement with marbles in his mouth after punishment from on high

Mr. Trump sounded like a man losing his dentures on Wednesday, a common symptom of “numb tongue.” (Credit:

If you’re wondering why President Trump slurred his way through a major policy announcement on the Middle East this week, just look up.

As punishment for naming Jerusalem the capital city of Israel, a move that will surely heighten tensions in the region and could trigger a devastating war between Israelis and Palestinians in the holiest place on earth, God struck down the president with an embarrassing and ill-timed case of “numb tongue.”

“I could not believe my ears,” said one White House adviser who was present during the president’s announcement. “The moment he said that the U.S. would recognize Jerusalem as Israel’s capital, it was like bolts of lightening crashed through the ceiling and hit him in the face. Suddenly he went all Elmer Fudd.”

“I’ve seen numb tongue before, but I’ve never seen it strike someone so severely at such a critical moment,” said another White House aide who was there. “This was definitely the work of God, there is no other explanation.”

The president’s barely intelligible announcement included a plan to move America’s embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem, a provocative move that set off violent protests in the region on Wednesday night.

“Why are people so surprised that when Trump messes with one of the most sacred sites on the planet, a place considered holy by Christians, Jews, and Muslims, God gets really pissed off?” asked one Oval Office insider who opposed the president’s Jerusalem decision. “Numb tongue is one thing — the president is very lucky that God didn’t afflict him with numb nuts.”

Political observers are watching closely to see if the president is struck blind or goes lame in the next 24 hours.


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