Truth In Satire
Gary Johnson, Still Clueless, Predicts His 2016 Presidential Bid Is “On Track To Win Big!”
Nineteen months after the election, failed Libertarian candidate says, “We’ve got Donald Clinton right where we want him”
Former Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson made the rounds of the political talk shows on Sunday morning saying he was hoping to give his candidacy “one last boost before voters head to the polls.”
“We are really getting up to speed on some of the big issues of the day and we’d like to make our argument directly to the American people,” said the former Governor of New Mexico on NBC’s Meet The Press. “For example, Aleppo is in Syria and Andrea Merkel is one of my favorite world leaders. How is that?”
Mr. Johnson famously did not know the answer to those rudimentary foreign policy questions back in 2016.
Johnson also said that if he was able to “squeeze out a win, I plan to pull American troops out of Afghanistan once and for all, because a lot of our young men and women are still fighting over there. Right?”
When told by host Chuck Todd that there is no chance for him to achieve victory in the election because Donald Trump won by cheating nearly two years ago, the third party candidate looked crestfallen and said, “Wait, are you kidding me, they held the presidential election without telling us?! That’s totally unconstitutional.”
The confused but determined candidate plowed on nonetheless during the Meet The Press interview maintaining that he would not build a wall between the U.S. and Mexico if elected, but would consider “a really long invisible fence, like the kind we use for our labradoodles back home. Have you ever seen how those things work, amazing?!”
Bill Weld, the former Governor of Massachusetts and the Libertarian party’s vice-presidential candidate, reached at his home near Cambridge, was asked about his running mate’s attempt to revitalize the campaign at this late date.
“Jesus Christ, I don’t believe it. I told Gary the night of the election that it was over, kaput, done, and that we’d been buried like a couple of Chilean coal miners. He looked at me like he was going to start crying, so I just stood up, walked out of our campaign headquarters, and went home. I guess Gary never left.”
Mr. Weld added under his breath, “I don’t care how bad Trump is, and he’s absolutely horrible, I’m still glad Gary didn’t win.”
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Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.
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Thank you.
–AI
