Gary Johnson Says It Isn’t Over Yet: “We’ve Got Trump Right Where We Want Him”

Confused Libertarian candidate insists “we plan to fight right up until the election!”

“I think if the American people see how hard I’ve been studying, they might realize there’s another option in this race besides Hillary Trump and Donald Clinton,” said Johnson.

Former Libertarian Party candidate, Gary Johnson, did the rounds on the political talk shows Sunday morning and tried to make a case for giving his candidacy another look.

“We are really getting up to speed on some of the biggest issues of the day and we’d like to make our argument to the American people,” said Johnson on CBS’s Face The Nation. “For example, Aleppo is in Syria and Andrea Merkel is one of my favorite world leaders. How’s that?”

Johnson also said that if elected he planned to pull American troops out of Afghanistan, once and for all, “because a lot of our young men and women are still fighting over there … right?”

The candidate, who had performed weakly throughout the presidential campaign, also maintained that he would not build a wall between the U.S. and Mexico, but would consider “a really long invisible fence, like the kind we use for our labradoodles back home. Have you ever seen how those things work, they’re amazing?!”

When asked on Meet The Press why he was so intent on pushing his agenda when the election was already over, Johnson looked incredulous and wailed, “Wait, are you kidding me, they held the presidential election without telling us!? That’s totally unconstitutional!”

Bill Weld, the Libertarian Vice-Presidential candidate, reached at his home near Cambridge, MA said, “Jesus Christ, I don’t believe it. I told Gary last Tuesday that it was over, kaput, done, and that we’d been buried like a couple of Chilean coal miners.” The former Massachusetts governor added under his breath, “One of us must have been fucking high when we put that ticket together…and I’m pretty sure it was me.”

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Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.