Truth In Satire

Full Text, Below, Of Trump’s Original Letter On Firing Comey Will Be His Downfall

Special Counsel Robert Mueller now has first draft of president’s angry, rambling letter that will be used to indict him

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Looks like Comey is going to get his revenge on President Trump after all. (Credit: www.cnn.com)

Special counsel Robert Mueller is now in possession of the first draft of President Trump’s letter on firing FBI Director James Comey.

And so are we.

It appears likely that Mr. Mueller will use the text of Mr. Trump’s unhinged, meandering letter below to prove that the president was trying to obstruct justice when he terminated the director, and indict him for his federal crime:

Dear Director Comey,

You’re FIRED!

With a capital fucking “F.” And other capital letters, too.

You’re also terminated, axed, dismissed, and sacked.

I’m firing you today because you are a whiny little bitch who wouldn’t bend the knee. Also on the advice of the Attorney General and the Deputy Attorney General who recommended your dismissal.

They told me to say it’s essential that we find new leadership for the FBI that restores public trust and confidence in it’s vital law enforcement mission. Blah, blah, blah.

We both know that’s bullshit. I’m firing your ass effective immediately because you’re a double-crossing, no good Fed who wouldn’t take the money I offered you to drop this stupid investigation that everyone knows is fake. What, suddenly a $10 million bribe is too good for a federal agent?

WITCH HUNT!

At least I’m glad we both remember that you informed me, on three separate occasions, that I am not under investigation. But then you go telling everyone and their mother that I AM under investigation when you told me, like a trio of times, a triad, a troika (that’s Russian), that I was free to go about my business of making amazing deals for America.

Dammit, Comey, why didn’t you just kiss the fucking ring and keep your mouth shut, like everyone else? Why are you all up in my face and in Ivanka’s beautiful face, too, a perfect face actually. And great tits. She’s a 10, admit it! But you won’t, because you say one thing, then broadcast something else to the rest of the whole wide world.

I hate dicks like you. I really do.

Oh, wait, that’s kind of funny. Because a dick could also be a detective. And you’re sort of a detective. So it’s a double entendre. See what I did there? Damn, I’m amazing.

Anyway, enough humor. I’m firing you forever, Comey. Don’t come back. Go live your little life in some shithole Virginia suburb, when you could have taken the ten mil and gotten yourself and the missus a very nice condo in Boca, Jupiter, or Delray Beach. Those are up and coming Florida towns. I know my real estate down there. You could have made a fortune.

I don’t know what it is with this new generation of goody two shoes gumshoes (ha, wordplay again!). When J. Edgar led the Feds you could always count on him looking the other way for a little grease in the palm. Now we got “No Corruption Comey” sticking his nose in my business.

That’s all I have to say, Mr. Shit Don’t Stink. Good luck in your future endeavors (yeah, right, suck a lemon marinated in mule dung, more like it).

Sincerely,

Donald J. Trump

P.S. Would it have killed you to take a simple blood oath of loyalty? Really?

*****

Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.

Remember, I read every comment. And I try to answer.

Thank you.

–AI

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Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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