Truth In Satire

Fourth Client Of Michael Cohen’s Revealed To Be Muscular Enforcer Baraka The Gorilla

Ape at National Zoo could be mixed up with Cohen and President Trump in acts of intimidation against tenants in their rental buildings

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Cohen might have used Baraka to threaten enemies of the president. (Credit: www.flickr.com/photos/hilton_photos/2870975870)

was revealed in federal court on Wednesday that President Donald Trump’s personal lawyer, Michael Cohen, has a fourth secret client.

After Federal judge Kimba Wood ordered Mr. Cohen to disclose the name of all his clients — which so far have included President Trump, Republican fundraiser Elliott Broidy, and Fox TV’s fake news host Sean Hannity — the president’s fixer admitted he has a fourth client, Baraka, a 400-pound lowland gorilla living in The Smithsonian’s National Zoo.

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Baraka pictured with his wife Calaya during the period when the 400-lb ape might have worked with Mr. Cohen and President Trump. (Credit: www.flickr.com/photos/hilton_photos/2884995569

“We don’t have a lot of information about Baraka at this point, but we believe Mr. Cohen might have used him as muscle to intimidate enemies of President Trump’s, then provided legal protection for the ape if he was recognized or discovered missing from the zoo” said F.B.I. Special Agent Richard Hedges, who is in charge of the Michael Cohen investigation. “Baraka does not appear to be very bright, but he is extremely strong and his mere presence might have been enough to threaten people who opposed the president.”

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Sketch of Stormy Daniels’ assailant: Is this actually Baraka in disguise? (Credit: nydailynews.com)

There is some speculation now that Baraka might also have been the enforcer sent by Michael Cohen to intimidate porn star Stormy Daniels into keeping her mouth shut about her affair with the president.

“We’ve been studying the sketch of the assailant who Ms. Daniels said threatened her in a Las Vegas parking lot and, with a little makeup, this could be Baraka,” said Agent Hedges. “We’re questioning the gorilla now, as well as his wife, Calaya, about his whereabouts on the night in question. We think the wife might know something but she’s recently given birth, so we wanted to give her some privacy before bringing her in for an extensive interrogation.”

The F.B.I. is also questioning tenants in Trump’s residential buildings in New York City, Washington, and Miami to see if they have ever had an unwelcome visit from Mr. Cohen or the hairy, scary, 26-year-old Baraka.

While the investigation is underway, handlers at the National Zoo are being asked to keep a close eye on Baraka or any other apes who might be friends with President Trump or Michael Cohen.

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Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is out of our hair.

I read every comment. And I try to answer as many as possible.

Thank you.

–AI

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Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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