Five Former Presidents Meet Secretly To Discuss Taking Action Against Trump
While admitting he’s making them all look good, Donald Trump’s predecessors believe he is on a path that could destroy America
Five former U.S. presidents met in Georgia on Wednesday to discuss using their influence to either hasten Donald Trump’s impeachment or neutralize the effects of his administration’s regressive policies.
While the meeting of the elder statesmen was intended to be held in private on the sprawling peanut farm of the 39th president, Jimmy Carter, a transcript of the discussions was leaked to the press.
Here’s some of what was shared between the living ex-presidents:
Mr. Jimmy Carter: Gentlemen, we have no choice, it’s time for us to work together to undermine the dangerous presidency of Donald Trump.
Mr. George W. Bush: Maybe we should give the moron more of a chance, Jimmy. After all, he’s helped me go from worst in presidential approval rating to 23rd in just a year. He’s good for my legacy.
Mr. Bill Clinton: He’s helped all of our legacies, George. I look like a saint compared to that wanton pussy grabber. But, let’s face it, if Donald sells America out to Putin, we’ll all just be footnotes in Russia’s history books. And Hillary will be whisked off to a Siberian prison…not that I’d mind so much. But, no, we have to stop little Donnie before he turns the White House into Kremlin East.
Mr. Barack Obama: Yeah, and before he destroys every single thing that I achieved during my eight years. The guy’s totally obsessed with me. If it has Obama’s name on it, Trump has to blow it up. I heard he tried to drive Alabama out of the union because he thought it was spelled Alobama.
Mr. George H. Bush: You younger fellas have never seen a real dictator type in action. Jimmy and I were around for Hitler in Germany, Mao Tse-tung in China, Stalin in Russia. This guy’s a lot dopier than those despots, but he can still do some damage. We have to plot his demise.
George W: I hear you, Dad, but let’s not be too hasty. I walked into a closed door once, called the end of the Afghan Iraq war about ten years prematurely, and misremembered a few things. I looked like a first-class fool. Then, this make-up wearing, pucker-faced, pasty doughboy arrives in his own one-man clown car and, suddenly, everyone thinks I’m a walking Einstein, wishes I was back in the Oval. Sure, Donnie’s a major doofus, but this political klutz is also single-handedly elevating all five of us to messiah status. If Dick Nixon was here right now, he’d be fighting like a pit bull to keep this citrus-colored, pathological liar around awhile longer...
Clinton: There’s no time to spare, George. He’s starting a trade war with China that’s going to devastate the economy, he’s got his finger on the nuclear button to go at it with North Korea, and he’s firing every reasonable voice in his administration, replacing them with flunkies and bootlickers who will rubber stamp every crazy notion in his head. If we’re not careful, he’ll bring in Sarah Palin as his Communications Director and then the English language will be threatened with extinction, too.
George W.: Can’t we just let the Mueller investigation unfold naturally, in its own time? Maybe once Flynn, Manafort, Bannon, Pappadelicious, Gates, Kushner, and Don Jr. are carted off to prison, the Combover Con Artist will get the message and walk away quietly. That way, we won’t have to get our presidential hands dirty.
Obama: Doesn’t work that way, Dubya. Somehow, Dolt45 is coated with more Teflon than Ronald Reagan. Nothing sticks to this guy and he might slip through Bob Mueller’s grasp, too. We have to make sure it doesn’t come to that.
Carter: Right. That’s why we had to call in…
George H.: The Bilderberg Group…we had no other choice.
Clinton: Wait, George, Jimmy, do you know what you’re saying? The Bilderberg is a dark organization, a “shadow world government.” This cabal runs the financial markets, the wars, they decide who rules and who rots in a prison in Istanbul. Has Donald Trump really brought us to this point, to Bilderberg involvement?
George H.: Let me put it to you this way, Bill. The Bilderbergs have already sent word down that they don’t want The Great White Dope, Cheeto Benito, The Lyin’ King, whatever you want to call him, interfering with their world order any longer...
Carter: They thought he might be good for a laugh, which is why they let Vlad interfere with the 2016 election, but now he’s gone too far. The Bilderbergs didn’t count on Don The Con, Hair Fuhrer, King Leer, or whatever his name is, letting the power go to his furry head like this. They’re done with him.
Obama: So who’s going to get the call?
George H.: They’ve given the assignment to Stephen Miller. The cyborg was placed in The White House to advance Bilderberg policy goals anyway, so he can be easily reprogrammed to do the ‘dirty work.’
Clinton: So our business is done here?
Carter: For now. Pence will never do as a replacement. We’ll reconvene in a couple weeks to consult on a new American president who will please The Bilderberg Group and usher our nation into a new golden age.
Obama: Sounds good, Jimmy, thanks for the peanuts. Boys, see you soon.
George H: E Pluribus Unum.
Carter, Clinton, George W., Obama (together): E Pluribus Unum.
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