Truth In Satire

Former Maid Discloses Bizarre Trump Fetishes And Sexual Fixations

President had penchant for messy “gecko sex parties”

Consuelo Valdez, the personal housekeeper of Donald Trump from 1999 to 2012, says that her former boss had a long list of sexual fixations and deviant fascinations that she was forced to stay quiet about to keep her job.

Mr. Trump made Valdez — a 46-year-old mother of three — sign a 22-page confidentiality agreement in which she swore never to publicly reveal his shocking fetishes, some of which were so aberrant, “they made me want to vomit.”

A lawyer for Mrs. Valdez, Victor Blankman, released her two-page statement that read, in part, “I would rather face the wrath of Mr. Trump than see this despicable pervert continue as president. Groping is just the beginning — if America understood what this man was doing behind closed doors, they would never allow him to stay in the White House.”

Mrs. Valdez’s statement listed several Trump fetishes that Blankman termed “milder in nature, or at least those that can be shared without leaving our children permanently traumatized.” They include:

Dangling his scrotum into mugs of hot water: Trump thought that ‘tea bagging’ actually meant steeping his nut sack in boiling water. He would then orchestrate afternoon tea parties with Valdez, demanding that she describe the flavor of his testicular infusion.

Placing his puckered lips over the business end of decommissioned World War II-era, German “Sprengcylindrisch” bombs: “Mr. Trump said they reminded him of his father,” stated Valdez. She also claimed that the frequency at which Trump performed this act caused his lips to remain in a “permanent pucker.”

Bathing with naked Ken Dolls: According to Valdez, Trump styled his own hair after Ken’s and would ask her to tickle his nipples with Ken’s stiff blond locks.

Playing a slot machine designed exclusively for Trump depicting men’s and women’s genitalia, rather than common fruits: “When he won, he would scream ‘Hit Me!’ and I had to slap him across his bare ass with a cardboard cutout of his daughter Ivanka.”

• Inserting “Donnie Dollars”: Trump printed fake $100 bills with his photo on them and had Valdez push them into every orifice of his naked body until “he bled from the paper cuts.” He would then wail in pain and call the superficial cuts “sacrifices” he made for his country.

Blankman added that his client was suing Trump for $13 million, “thirteen being the number of years Ms. Valdez spent in perversion servitude.”

Mrs. Valdez’s revelations have lead to a significant uptick in President Trump’s approval numbers in recent polls.


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