Truth In Satire
Flynn Sold Seven C.I.A. “Super Secrets” To The Russians—And Trump Got A Cut
Despite being a major blackmail risk, Trump invited compromised national security adviser to juicy classified briefings—for a profit
In a story that has rattled U.S. spy agencies, it is now clear that President Trump invited his former national security adviser, Michael Flynn, into sensitive intelligence briefings—despite knowing that he had ties to the Russians and would probably sell the information—so the president himself could get a piece of the action.
New evidence has emerged that Mr. Flynn not only heard America’s most protected secrets from Mike Pompeo, the C.I.A. Director, but made a handsome profit when he sold up to twenty highly classified secrets to the Russians during backdoor meetings with Putin confidants.
Some of that covert intelligence, being called “The Super Secret Seven,” were leaked to the press by a White House source who shared the information on condition of anonymity. According to that source, Mr. Flynn hawked the secrets to Putin operatives with President Trump’s full knowledge and blessing, so the commander in chief could collect a handsome cut.
Here are The Super Secret Seven:
C.I.A Super Secret #1: In January, the C.I.A. Director revealed in private briefings attended by Mr. Flynn that the U.S. was funding a covert group of Norwegian Laplanders, called the “Reindeer Rangers,” who could enter Russia from its frigid northwestern boundaries and infiltrate the Kremlin. Mr. Flynn exposed the truth about the Laplanders to the Russian ambassador, Sergey I. Kislyak, in early February.
C.I.A. Super Secret #2:2 Mr. Flynn learned that the C.I.A. had a clandestine operation underway in the Ukraine, whereby old women involved in the resistance against Putin’s army would make “Matryoshka Nesting Dolls,” also known as “babushka dolls,” and innocently hand them as gifts to unsuspecting Russian troops on the border. However, hidden inside the dolls would be high-impact American explosives that could take out an entire regiment or a fortified tank. Mike Flynn let Russian agents know that the babushkas were coming.
C.I.A. Super Secret #3: Syrian strongman and Russian ally, Bashar al-Assad, has been a thorn in the side of the U.S. for years. The C.I.A. planned to take him out with a delectable platter of poisoned baklava, served by an American agent. That honey-flavored, flaky-crusted plot was sabotaged by the loudmouth Mr. Flynn.
C.I.A. Super Secret #4: Melania’s body measurements are a magnificently perfect 34"- 24"- 36." This classified information was delivered at the personal request of Mr. Putin, who has a soft spot for Slovenians. Mr. Flynn provided the first lady’s hourglass measurements with the president’s consent.
C.I.A. Super Secret #5: Belarus is one of Russia’s closest allies and many Belarusians live in Moscow. They are also hands-down the world’s worst drivers (this includes the Japanese and the Romanians). The C.I.A. had a plan to supply 1000 Moscow-dwelling Belarusians with unobtrusive Russian-made Lada Granta automobiles, have them them tie up traffic in Red Square just as Mr. Putin was leaving the Kremlin for the day, at which time the worst of the lousy Belarusian drivers would plow into Putin’s motorcade in the hopes of causing a fatal crash. Michael Flynn blew the whistle on the scheme.
C.I.A. Super Secret #6: American intelligence forces work closely with Britian’s MI5, the elite national security force. MI5 secured a scandalous videotape several years ago of Vladimir Putin and three of his lieutenants having sex with underage Lippizaner stallions. Putin apparently found the precise, balletlike movements of the Austrian horses so sexually arousing, he insisted on bedding down with a young pair of the mesmerizing breed—and MI5 taped it all. The C.I.A. calculated that public ridicule of Putin in Russia would be so overwhelming upon exposure of the tapes, the former KGB agent would be forced to resign. Just days before the scheduled video release, Mr. Flynn warned Putin and his agents were able to foil the foals.
C.I.A. Super Secret #7: The Russians have been flooding national governments around the world with highly sophisticated androids they call “Stephen Millers/Series UR2DI.” The robots were designed to infiltrate governments at the highest level and report state secrets back to Moscow. The C.I.A. discovered this evil plot when a Stephen Miller cyborg in the White House suffered a major software malfunction and repeatedly punched Jared Kushner in the face. C.I.A. technology experts were able to then program alternate directives into the U.S.-based Stephen Miller robot so it would send incorrect and misleading intelligence back to the Kremlin. They then advised other governments across the globe how to do the same with their sinister Stephen Millers. But Mike Pompeo undermined his own agency’s Stephen Miller-neutralizing plan when he shared the classified information in Mr. Flynn’s presence.
The C.I.A. is now trying to assess the damage done to their covert operations by Michael Flynn’s peddling of secrets to the Russians, but it is believed the impact on intelligence gathering will be felt for years.
In a related story, Mr. Trump challenged the C.I.A.’s version of events by tweeting, “No truth to Flynn selling super secrets to Putin. Rumors I made $19.65 million from sales, not even close. Sad!”
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