Five Living Presidents Return To White House To Give Trump 4-Year Time-Out

Elder statesmen, concerned about the president’s behavior, send him to Lincoln Bedroom “for some quiet time to think about it”

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Bush, Obama, Bush, Clinton, and Carter visited the White House yesterday to give the president a firm talking to. Former President Carter also brought a switch to deliver some painful discipline, but could not lift Mr. Trump over his knee.

Five former U.S. presidents visited The White House unannounced yesterday afternoon to confront Donald Trump about his erratic, irrational behavior during his controversial first few weeks in office.

After listening to President Trump’s excuses for 20 minutes (pressures of a new job, staffing difficulties, not being able to find his usual hair products in Washington, Melania unavailable to give belly rubs before he goes to bed at night), the five elder statesmen sent Mr. Trump upstairs without his supper so he could think about all the trouble he’s been causing the nation.

After he was banished to the second floor Lincoln Bedroom — for what several of the ex-presidents said could be for up to four years — the five men gathered in the Oval Office to take reporter’s questions:

Press: Sirs, did you have a chance to speak with the president about his Muslim travel ban before he was sent up to his bedroom?

Mr. Obama: We did, and he pretended like he didn’t know what we were talking about. But Jimmy noticed he was hiding something behind his back that turned out to be a copy of the executive order he signed, so we smacked him on the side of the head with it a couple times to get his attention.

Press: President Carter, what’s that stick you’re holding in your hand?

Mr. Carter: Well, before I came up from Plains, I cut me a switch from a magnolia tree because I had a feeling we might need to deliver an old-fashioned southern butt lashing. Bill and Barack got Don’s pants down but the five of us just couldn’t lift him over my knee — he’s a pasty old doughboy. So we settled on giving him a serious wedgie.

Press: Are you concerned about rumors that Mr. Trump is being badly advised by the malevolent anarchist Steve Bannon?

Mr. George H: Of course we’re concerned. I told him, ‘Don, read my lips, no more Bannon.’ I hope he got the message, but he seems a little lost without his handlers around.

Press: What about rumors that he is watching television all day instead of staying laser focused on the nation’s business?

Mr. Clinton: I don’t think that’s going to be an issue going forward. We took away his TV privileges for a year and hid the remotes where he’ll never find them — inside some books in the White House Library.

Press: The president seems to be cozying up to Putin in a way that makes many Americans nervous. Can you comment?

Mr. George W: Donald just wants to get Putin’s attention and approval because he feels so weak, small, and inadequate. He’s looking for the love and acceptance of a man he views as powerful and strong. Had he gotten more attention from his own authoritarian father growing up, he would feel more secure and not endanger an entire nation — by starting a needless war, for example — just to prove his masculinity. Without examining that unresolved conflict and deep emotional wound, he could easily mishandle the enormous power that’s been entrusted to him and try to assert his manhood in childish and very destructive ways. The potential negative consequences are deeply alarming.

Mr. George H (staring at his son): Where’d you come up with all that psychological mumbo jumbo?

Mr. George W (addressing his father in a whisper): I’m seeing a therapist, Pop, we’ll talk after.

Press: The president’s unhinged Twitter rants have left foreign leaders, CEOs, even members of his own party on edge. Can anything be done about that?

Mr. Obama: We told Don that the tweets have got to stop, not only because of the data charges, but also because of the sleepless nights they’re causing people around the globe. We warned him that if he didn’t cut it out immediately, we’d take his phone away…

Mr. Clinton: …and there are plenty more hiding places for that phone in the library along with the remotes.

Press: The president’s lewd behavior with women, and a past riddled with misogynistic incidents, have mobilized tens of million of women across the country against him. How can the president improve his standing with American women?

Mr. Clinton: I’d like to answer that one…

Mr. Carter: No, Bill, I don’t think that’s such a good idea…let me address the woman issue with a quote from the Bible…

Mr. Obama: Look, both of you, when it comes to the ladies, let the black man speak. Donald, there are just two words you need to know: Al Green.

Press: You are all enjoying a tremendous surge in popularity since the election, especially you George W. What do you attribute that to?

Mr. George W: Are you friggin’ kidding me? I walked into a closed door once, called the end of a Middle East war prematurely, and misremembered a few things. I looked like a first-class fool. Then, this make-up wearing, pucker-faced, accident of nature arrives in his own one-man clown car. Suddenly, everyone thinks I’m a friggin’ Einstein, jumped from last place in presidential approval to 23rd in just two weeks. Sure, Donnie’s a major doofus, but the mistake-a-minute president is also single-handedly restoring my legacy and elevating all five of us to messiah status. Even Dick Nixon is looking like a paragon of honesty and integrity with old Donnie “Tell-No-Truths” Trump at the helm.

Press: Last question, what do you think of the president using Scotch tape to hold his ties in place?

All Five: Sad.


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