The three wives of Donald Trump — Ivana, Marla, and Melania — are under intense pressure to explain how they let a dangerous, deranged, lying, cheating, sadistic egomaniac delude himself into thinking he could become President of the United States.
Over a period of 40 years, from 1977 to the present day, one of this trio of women has been married to Donald Trump (there was never a gap, because he likes to overlap wives, sometimes referred to as infidelity). Each had ample time during their marriages to divest Pudgy McTrumpcake of the notion that he had any of the qualities required to effectively lead the country.
But none of them did.
It is generally believed that each refused to rock the boat because she is beholden to The Donald for alimony, child support checks, and/or her personal safety.
But political analysts, working alongside psychologists and marriage experts, say that there may have been other reasons why the women in Darth Hater’s life betrayed the nation by letting him ascend to an office he has no business occupying.
Here are the experts’ eight logical explanations for why the Trump Matrimonial Trio (TMT) dropped the ball on thwarting Dumbelldore:
- Some experts speculate that the ventilation system in Trump Tower emits an odorless gas that seduces the wives into thinking The Lyin’ King is more trustworthy, intelligent, faithful, and patriotic than he really is. It also expands their vision, so he appears to have normal-sized hands and a larger penis than he actually does.
- Whenever one of his wives approached to tell him he was a pompous blowhard who should stick with real estate and stay out of politics, he would send in the imbecile Don Jr. with his shotguns. It was persuasive.
- Every time The Great White Dope would get delusions of grandeur and talk about becoming POTUS, he would simultaneously have his house band strike up a rendition of “God Save The Queen.” This beguiled whichever not-so-smart wife he had at the time, who floated away enthralled, filled with fantasies of a bejeweled crown adorning her head.
- Over the years he has promised the spousal sorority sisters that if they kept their mouths shut and stuck with the program, he’d never remove his ridiculous toupee, under which lives a slithering nest of poisonous vipers.
- Trump told his three blind wives that son Eric is a blood-sucking vampire who does his fathers bidding and feasts on women, and that their survival depended on each of them keeping their noses out of his business.
- It’s a little known fact that the Short-Fingered Vulgarian writes poetry: some of the worst poetry with the most deplorable spelling known to mankind. Whenever he felt any resistance bubbling up from one of his wives regarding his future plans, he would whip out his book of hideous poems and they would make a fast break for his beachside villa in the Seychelles.
- Psychologists who have studied the facial expressions of the Trump Matrimonial Trio when The Talking Yam opens his mouth to utter some of his cringeworthy nonsense, note that as soon as the women began to object, they quickly clammed up. Experts believe this is likely due to a microchip implanted in each of the women’s brains after ingesting a knockout drug on their wedding nights. The drug is now automatically activated the moment any woman feels an impulse to criticize Donald Chump.
- Perhaps the most likely reason that all three of Trumplethinskin’s wives failed to derail his presidential aspirations is that he often liked to discuss his political ambitions with his longtime friend, Harvey Weinstein. No sooner would the slobbering movie mogul come knocking at the door, that the Trump women would race to the exit to be safely out of the perverted producer’s groping range.
Fact is, the wives were rarely there to stop Sir Sissypants as he plotted his totalitarian takeover.
Yes, they could have saved us. Ivana, Marla, or Melania could have smashed the seeds of The White Pride Piper’s presidential fantasies long ago.
But they screwed up. And now he’s screwing us all.
Thanks all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.
Remember, I read every comment. And I try to answer.