Eric Trump, the second son of President Donald Trump, is negotiating with special counsel Robert Mueller’s office to be indicted.
That news came directly from one of Mueller’s top prosecutors who acknowledged that the Trump scion, believed by many to have a learning disability or mental impairment, has been calling them for months “demanding to be taken away in handcuffs and questioned.”
However, the Mueller team can find no evidence that the president’s middle son has been involved in any nefarious activities before, during, or after the election.
“The kid’s clean,” added an investigator from Mueller’s office. “We checked him out thoroughly — never talked to any Russians, no shady bank deals, pays his taxes, keeps his Johnson in his pants. Donnie Jr. is up to his neck in trouble, but we got nothing on Eric.”
After members of Mueller’s staff started feeling sorry for the 33-year-old, who they say “doesn’t seem like he’s got much upstairs,” they invited Eric to their Washington headquarters for a tour of the facility.
“He immediately asked to see the jail cells, which we don’t have,” said one female prosecutor who accompanied Eric during his visit. “Then he wanted to check out our interrogation rooms, which are just plain law offices lined with books. He seemed really disappointed that there were no two-way mirrors, and after having some cookies in our kitchen, he left.”
Mueller’s office has issued a statement more than once saying that Eric Trump is not a subject of their investigation and will not be indicted, but this has not stopped the young businessman from badgering busy prosecutors with appeals for “an 8-hour grilling under hot lights.”
When asked by a Mueller aide why he was so eager to be interrogated and indicted, Eric replied, “Because my brother gets to ride in a limo every time you bring him in, and then he’s all over the news at night. The last time I was on the news was that time during the election campaign when I visited the Iowa pig farmer, slipped in his pig pen, and got hog dung all down in my shoes. I had to throw that pair away.”
In addition to not colluding with the Russians, Eric Trump is also not suspected of standing under the urine streams of Ukrainian hookers — commonly referred to as a “golden shower” — as his father once did.
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