Saying he can’t believe “how fucking scary things have gotten around here,” President Donald J. Trump grabbed a shovel, ran outside to a small plot of land behind the Oval Office, and started digging frantically.
He told senior staff that he couldn’t wait any longer to ensure the safety of his family — along with his hairstylist and several former beauty pageant contestants turned mistresses — and was building a secure, underground survival bunker on the White House grounds.
“That guy in there is nuts,” said the president, as beads of sweat formed on his neck and brow. “He seems erratic, unbalanced, like he could plunge the nation into nuclear war without a second thought!”
Reminded by reporters that he was the “guy in there,” the president responded, “LIARS! Fake news! I’m watching this debacle unfold just like any other concerned citizen.”
Pressed on the point of his identity as The President of the United States, Mr. Trump replied, “I know I’m the fucking president, you idiots, I wasn’t talking about me. I was talking about that psychopath running the country — Steve “Squeeze-Your-Nutsack-Till-You-Cry” Bannon. The guy’s out of control, my worst nightmare! I thought he and Putin were going to put me in charge. But they won’t let me do a thing — I just watch TV all day and sign stupid executive orders that Bannon sticks in front of my face. I’m a nobody in there!”
When questioned about Steve Bannon’s apparent takeover of the Oval Office, the president said he didn’t remember exactly when it happened, but thinks it started shortly after he gave his inaugural address, “maybe like 2:15 or 2:23pm on the afternoon of January 20th.”
He added that he was later phased out totally when Bannon’s supposed protege, the ominous Stephen Miller, arrived at The White House in a large FedEx box.
“Miller is some sort of advanced class of cyborg assassin sent over from Russia. You’ve heard that lifeless machine talk, right? I told Bannon, ‘no one’s going to believe this guy’s a sentient being — his eyes are dead, his voice is mechanical, everything that comes out of his mouth is just cliched shit from a Dr. Evil comic book.’ But Steve insisted Miller had to stay and crushed my balls until I agreed to let that deranged automaton do the Sunday morning talk show circuit. Christ, I’m so goddamned scared now!”
As reporters were preparing to ask Mr. Trump additional questions about the state of chaos that has gripped his titular administration, Bannon and Miller came around the corner in lock step, headed in the president’s direction. Mr. Trump’s eyes bulged, he gulped hard, then sheepishly told reporters, “Sorry, no more questions, I have to get back to digging.”
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