Truth In Satire

Fearing His Own Policies, Trump Begins Frantic Effort To Dig Survival Shelter

President says nation in grave danger, underground bunker for his family, hairstylist, and several mistresses now a top priority

Saying he can’t believe “how fucking scary things have gotten around here,” President Donald J. Trump grabbed a shovel, ran outside to a small plot of land behind the Oval Office, and started digging frantically.

The president was working off these plans for his underground survival bunker.

He told senior staff that he couldn’t wait any longer to ensure the safety of his family — along with his hairstylist and several former beauty pageant contestants turned mistresses — and was building a secure, underground survival bunker on the White House grounds.

“That guy in there is nuts,” said the president, as beads of sweat formed on his neck and brow. “He seems erratic, unbalanced, like he could plunge the nation into nuclear war without a second thought!”

Reminded by reporters that he was the “guy in there,” the president responded, “LIARS! Fake news! I’m watching this debacle unfold just…