FBI Now Investigating Trump’s Tourettes, Johnson’s Low IQ, Stein’s Communism

Director Comey focuses on candidates’ verbal vomit, imbecility, and red diapers, upending presidential race in eleventh hour again

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FBI Director James Comey at a hastily convened press conference late Tuesday night, moments after removing a Florsheim shoe from his mouth.

After receiving biting criticism for his announcement that the FBI would review a new batch of Clinton emails with the presidential election less than a week away, Director James Comey told Congress Tuesday night that he would also be opening inquiries into the other major candidates’ fatal flaws.

Comey said that he would extend the FBI’s investigation to include “not just the new Clinton emails, but Mr. Trump’s outrageous vocal tics and senseless spew, Mr. Johnson’s dunderheaded utterances on the campaign trail, and Jill Stein’s well-documented love of Stalin.” Comey went on to say that if all of these “character defects” are substantiated, it would disqualify the candidate in question and leave the nation with no credible nominee for the president.

Pick your political poison, suggests FBI Director James Comey.

After defending his new round of investigations as “a way to add more pizzazz to the November 8th election,” Comey was again harshly criticized by lawmakers on the Hill who said the FBI director was playing a dangerous game. Many characterized it as a ploy to deflect attention away from him and onto the presidential nominees.

Former Attorney General Eric Holder called the director’s move “a poor attempt to make himself look fair and impartial why maligning the character of the candidates — except in the case of Trump where the discrediting is warranted.”

House Speaker Paul Ryan, who spoke from inside a cave where he has been in hiding for the past month, said “Is it over yet?,” while Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, who was not sure how to spin Comey’s announcement to his party’s advantage, refused to comment.

What is clear, however, is that Comey’s latest round of inquiries is politically motivated and no one knows what his objective might be. “By drawing excessive attention to the weaknesses of the major party candidates, James Comey has thrown the 2016 race on its head,” said Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg when questioned after her morning karate class. “Am I just cynical or is this jackass and every other political official in Washington smoking crack?”

Asked about the new FBI probes during a press conference to discuss his plans to open a Burger King franchise after he leaves office, President Obama said, “Look, all I know is that the jerk who started this whole mess, Anthony Weiner, left the country last night disguised as Carlos Danger.”

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