Truth In Satire

FBI Now Believes “Real” Trump Was Kidnapped In 2016, Replaced By Mechanical Lookalike

Horrified Florida woman sees cybernetic endoskeleton of false president at Palm Springs rally, screams “He’s not human!”

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Jocelyn Richter says she looked right down fake Trump’s throat and “all I saw was metal.” (Credit: www.rawstory.com/2016/08)

eeks before his election win in the fall of 2016, family and friends of Donald Trump say they had a hard time recognizing the man who would eventually lead the country, and that he was not the intelligent, articulate, and kind Donald Trump that they’d come to love and respect over the years.

Now, the F.B.I. thinks it knows why. At a campaign-style rally in Palm Springs, FL this past week, Jocelyn Richter, a Trump supporter standing at a rope line, said the Republican president approached her with a wide smile. That’s when the Orlando woman saw “mechanical parts moving inside his mouth and a small amplifier at the back of his throat projecting his voice.”

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Quarterback Tom Brady says he was with the president the day the FBI believes he was kidnapped. (Credit: CNN.com)

The F.B.I. is taking Richter’s observations seriously, saying they are consistent with reports from the C.I.A. and Interpol that the real Donald Trump may have been kidnapped or killed on the afternoon of July 12, 2016 while playing the 14th hole of his Trump International Golf Links in Balmedie, Scotland. According to someone in his entourage, “Mr. Trump went into thick brush to retrieve an errant shot and disappeared for more than 15 minutes. When he came out, he seemed less animated, more stern. It was really weird.”

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Trump playing golf in Scotland on July 12, 2016, the afternoon in question. (Credit: independent.co.uk)

“I asked him if he was alright,” recalled New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, who was playing a round of golf with the soon-to-be president that day. “He just looked at me blankly, then said, ‘Yes, I am incredibly strong, stamina good. Hillary weak, crooked. Believe me.’ I thought he was joking so I laughed it off and we played on.”

Intelligence operatives now say that if the Trump masquerading as the U.S. president is actually a mechanical man or Russian-made cyborg, it would explain the gushing praise for Vladimir Putin that this impostor Trump’s has been spouting over the past two years, as well as a host of other controversial statements and questionable actions that people who know the real Donald Trump say are totally out of character.

“I worked for Mr. Trump for 17 years,” says Dianne Dentino, a former Trump hotel manager, “he was always respectful, friendly and well-mannered. The Mr. Trump I know is a gentleman. The person acting as president right now is a phony Trump, I’m sure of it.”

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A White House aide took this photo of the impostor president apparently receiving transmissions very late at night. (Credit: www.motherjones.com/politics/)

One White House insider who asked to speak off the record said, “Now it all makes sense to me. The Donald Trump we’ve been working with for the past fifteen months is so amped up all the time…he never sleeps. I don’t mean hardly ever sleeps, I mean never. That’s just not normal.”

Another source inside the White House added, “One night I saw him in the Oval Office tweeting at 3:00am. He was sitting bolt upright at his desk in a suit, eyes wide open. Now I realize he must have been receiving transmissions, tweeting out whatever he was getting from the Kremlin, Beijing, Hannity, or whoever.”

If intelligence reports about a Trump kidnapping are accurate and the American president is actually a cybernetic enemy operative sent to disrupt the country’s political process, it is sure to throw the 2018 midterm elections, as well as the Mueller investigation, into even greater chaos.

While the F.B.I. continues its investigation, Congressional leaders from both parties are trying to determine what happens if the commander-in-chief turns out not to be human. They are also quietly looking into theories that Texas Senator Ted Cruz is also not human.

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Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is out of our hair.

I read every comment. And I try to answer as many as possible.

Thank you.

–AI

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Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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