Truth In Satire

Fattening Illegals To Sell As Surplus Meat Is Trump’s New Plan To Pay For Border Wall

President says “my amazing wall creates jobs, makes illegals disappear, and solves the nation’s food shortage”

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Illegal aliens being rounded up at the Mexican border for Trump’s surplus meat program. (Credit: TheBlaze.com)

In a dramatic announcement yesterday that shocked Democratic legislators, as well as some Republicans, President Trump proposed paying for his wall on the U.S.-Mexico border, in part, by arresting illegal immigrants, fattening them up in high-calorie detention camps, and selling them to FDA-approved meat processors and distributors as hamburger filler.

“No one has ever seen anything like this,” said the president proudly, speaking from the Oval Office. “My plan is so smart, it not only allows us to rid our nation of unwanted immigrants while solving our huge food shortage problem. I call it a hole in one!”

The president’s proposal — outrageous and even repulsive on its face — seems to borrow from a tongue-in-cheek scheme by Jonathan Swift, an 18th century political pamphleteer, who proposed turning burdensome children into useful citizens of the Irish commonwealth by auctioning them off to rich families for food.

But the president’s plan was apparently not put forth facetiously. “I know how to build a wall better than anybody, and I also know about meat from my days selling our high-quality Trump steaks,” said the president. “Put the two together and you have a win-win that can make America so so great again. I just can’t believe no one thought of this before.”

According to administration officials, illegals would be rounded up at the southern border and in cities across the country, brought to one of several Federal detention centers, and fed high-calorie junk food until they are plump enough for slaughter.

“The president understands that his proposal is radical, but he also believes a radical border wall plan and a way to pay for it is needed to boost the economy,” said Sarah Sanders, White House Press Secretary. “This is a low-cost, high return way to finance the president’s tax overhaul proposal while building up our nation’s meat stores and solving our illegal alien problem all at once. Our economists can find no downside to this plan.”

Angelica Torres, a lawyer for the Arizona Immigration Coalition, says that the president’s proposal is so outlandish and gruesome, she refuses to take it seriously.

“No one can actually think a good approach to paying for the president’s stupid wall is to calorie-load human beings, then butcher them for hamburger meat,” said Ms. Torres. “Besides, there aren’t nearly enough illegals crossing into America to generate the kind of meat yields that could really make a dent in the current food shortage anyway.”

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