Ex-Presidents Say If Trump Wants To Play Tough Guy, They’re Ready
Led by Abe Lincoln, former presidents call out POTUS45: “Let’s take this to the South Lawn, Don, and finish it”
With President Donald Trump flexing his flaccid muscles, talking trash to allies and enemies alike, and bulking up an already inflated military in preparation for a epoch-ending war, more than nine ex-presidents say they’re ready to “step in and put a stop to this insanity.”
Ronald “Wrecking Ball” Reagan, Bill “Cold-Cock” Clinton, John “Ten-Count” Kennedy, Barack “The Basher” Obama, “Take a Lickin” Dick Nixon, George “The Brawler” Bush, “Jabbing” Lyndon Johnson, Ted “The Bully” Roosevelt, and “Scrappin” Abe Lincoln all marched to Washington D.C yesterday, stood their ground on the White House lawn, and summoned Donald Trump outside for an old-fashioned, presidential face pounding.
“What this insufferable loudmouth needs is a Texas-style, bare knuckle sandwich,” said a worked-up Lyndon Johnson, with George W. nodding at his side. “I never heard so much longhorn bullshit come out of one man’s puckered lady lips before in my life.”
Wrecking Ball Reagan, shaking his head in disbelief, said he thought Trump must be living out some kind of juvenile movie fantasy. “Someone needs to tell this overrated, puffed-up, two-bit reality TV star that we’re not playing with ketchup here. People are going to lose their lives if he doesn’t stop injecting B-rated film plots into actual world affairs and get down to the business of sane leadership without the silly swagger.”
“I should’ve downed the clown when we met at the White House that first time and he asked me if we could throw the nuclear football around,” said Barack Obama. “I thought he was joking, but now I’m pretty sure the ignoramus thought the nuclear codes actually were hidden inside a pigskin.”
“This cad speaks loudly but, from what I hear, carries a teeny weeny little stick,” said legendary Rough Rider, Theodore Roosevelt, the 26th president. “I can’t stand these pansies who push everyone around but have never actually thrown a punch in their lives themselves. Just give me one bloody round with that spineless scalawag.”
John F. Kennedy, a Purple Heart recipient in World War II, said he was deeply dismayed by the actions of the “businessman president.” Famous for always counting to ten before acting aggressively in any political or personal situation, JFK said this simple practice was one that Trump should adopt.
“He’s impulsive and erratic,” continued Mr. Kennedy. “His knee-jerk electronic messaging of every personal feeling that crosses the junkyard of his mind is unbefitting the office of the president. This peevish man-boy needs to grow up, and he needs to do it in a hurry.”
Abe Lincoln said Trump didn’t seem to understand the consequences of his trigger-happy, macho posturing. “Most of us were war presidents,” said the country’s 16th commander in chief, looking around at the distinguished American leaders standing with their fists clenched. “War is a horror that no man should invite upon his nation’s sons and daughters. If Trump wants blood on his hands, then let him get it right here on the White House lawn. Maybe a black eye, a fat lip, and the taste of warm metal in his mouth will break his naive obsession with warmongering.”
The former presidents, most of them bare chested, milled around for several hours waiting for Donald Trump to emerge from the White House, but “Little Lady Fingers” as they referred to him, stayed well-hidden in a second floor bedroom.
The presidents said they would be back tomorrow night and every night thereafter until, as Abe Lincoln put it, “this Donald Chump fellow gets a proper beating from POTUS’ 26, 35, 36, 37, 40, 42, 43, 44, and, of course, yours truly.”
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