Truth In Satire

Evidence Mounts That Donald Trump Has Six Different Personalities, Maybe Seven

After president first calls House health bill “a great plan,” then “mean,” then “goofy,” a split personality diagnosis seems likely

Mr. Trump exhibiting his “Fuck You” personality, one of seven. (Credit: Gmagazine)

Psychiatrists across the country are now blaming President Trump’s rapidly shifting policy positions and 180º decision changes not on insanity, but on a rare, septivalent personality disorder — meaning he can morph into seven different people on any given day.

The president as a frightened 15-year-old teenager, the fourth personality psychiatrists have identified that often surfaces at 3am via Twitter rant. (Credit: NYMagazine)

“We usually see multiple personality disorders involving two or three different personas, maybe four, but never seven,” said Dr. Sonat Byinit of the Perelman School of Medicine at the University of Pennsylvania. “While it could be only six in Mr. Trump’s case, his recent turnabout on the health care bill suggests an unprecedented seventh personality.”

Dr. Byinit, who is an expert in dissociative identity disorder, as it is called in the medical literature, says that Mr. Trump’s extensive memory loss from one day to the next — “where he declares his love for someone on a Tuesday, then forgets his fondness and fires them on a Wednesday “— is indicative of someone whose psyche is so fragmented and splintered that they can become anyone they need to be to please the people directly in front of them.

The president told congressional members on Wednesday that their health bill was “so mean, I’m going to tell Mommy.” This was his 5-year-old boy on display. (Credit: The Associated Press)

“This explains why Mr. Trump was so successful during the presidential campaign,” added Dr. Byinit. “He could tell coal miners what they wanted to hear one hour, retirees the exact words that would win them over at the next rally, Jews a different story, and NRA members yet another. And it isn’t only because he’s a fraud and a lying charlatan, it’s because he hops into another identity like he’s changing into a different suit of clothes.”

The Insulter, the 3rd of the president’s seven personalities, emerges when describing the size of his political opponents. (Credit: TheInquistr)

Dr. Lawrence Bendever, a teaching fellow at Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis, MO, agrees with Dr. Byinit but takes the troubling diagnosis a step further.

“President Trump not only has seven different extreme personalities inside him, with any one of them able to possess him at a moment’s notice, making him sound erratic and irrational, they’re also doing simultaneous battle with each other for attention,” explained Dr. Bendever. “This is physically painful and exhausting for the patient, which is why they often reach for high-calorie foods like Doritos and Cheetos, because they’re burning an insane number of calories just to get through the day. Mr. Trump is no exception.”

The Statesman, a rarely seen personality type of the president’s, occasionally comes out in the late afternoon after he’s had a snack. (Credit:

According to both Drs. Byinit and Bendever, the president’s multiple personality disorder was on display at its septivalent heights during his recent split-second shifts on the House health care bill. Last month he called it “a great plan,” only to do an about face a few days ago and call it “mean, mean, mean,” confounding legislators even in his own party.

Then, yesterday the five-year-old Trump emerged, terming the health bill, “so goofy, it’s funnier than the Saturday morning cartoons,” and insulted the bill later in the day as, “crappier than toilet paper, I just want to wipe my tushie with it.”

“All politicians have multiple personality disorders to some degree,” concluded Dr. Byinit, “and it can actually be an asset, allowing them to ‘feel’ the varying emotions of their constituents to some degree. In Trump’s case, the syndrome has just gone completely haywire. This is why the entire nation is feeling nauseated by Mr. Trump presidency, because he is taking us along for the ride on his stomach-churning, emotional roller-coaster. My best professional advice for Americans is to just hang-in there and pop some Dramamine if you can’t take the minute-by-minute U-turns of his psyche — because it’s not going to get any better. In fact, it will probably get much worse before President Trump’s synapses massively overload and he just drops to the floor of the Oval Office like a burned out orangutan carcass.”


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