President Donald Trump was not able to attend a lavish party at his Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida on Saturday night due to the government shutdown, so he sent his middle son Eric in his absence.
But within minutes of his arrival, the Trump scion had turned the event celebrating the president’s first year in office into a calamitous setback for his father’s administration, capping off a week of unwelcome headaches for President Trump and his team.
The younger Mr. Trump’s rambling, tone-deaf, occasionally vulgar welcoming address might have pleased many of affluent GOP donors in the room, who paid as much as $100,000 per couple to attend, but White House officials in attendance who recognized trouble in the making had to usher Mr. Trump’s second son away from the podium before he’d finished his scheduled remarks.
Here are portions of the Eric Trump speech that caused so much controversy:
Welcome dear friends of my father — the wealthy, the white, and the world-wise who know that in politics, as in life, you must do whatever it takes to win, even if that means getting a little “vodka” on your hands [here Mr. Trump winked knowingly to guests] or burying some “Stormy” headlines along with the floozies responsible for them, any way you have to, even OJ Simpson-style.
OJ, I see you back there, thanks for coming tonight — Dad says hello and he’s looking forward to getting in 18 holes with you very soon.
So, first I must apologize on behalf of my Dad and his third wife for not being here because they are back in Washington where President Trump is brilliantly negotiating an end to the Schumer Shutdown.
I think you’ll all agree that my father, in handing the Democrats defeat after defeat this past year and showing them what true power really looks like, is the perfect man for the job when it comes to making an historic deal to end this childish grandstanding by the Democrats and getting back to making America great again. [Applause]
Since I briefly referred to the fake news story about a former porn star who now claims to have had anal sex with my father, this is completely false, a made up bit of salacious gossip intended to raise her scarlet profile while embarrassing my father.
The president assures me, and I spoke to him about it just moments ago, that while this Stormy Daniels woman does have nice jugs, “very tempting” as he called them, he also told me that he doesn’t recognize her or her cleavage. And my father never forgets a magnificent rack, so I think we can put that potential scandal to rest. [Applause]
The president also wanted me to mention a subject that is very dear to his heart — the Mexican border wall. Can I see a show of hands of how many people here have a fence around their property? Wow, okay, looks like 100% of you. Very good. Well now I think you can understand why my father believes a solid wall from sea to shining ocean is critical for keeping Spanish-speaking burglars, robbers, rapists, and reckless bicycle delivery guys out of our country. And if there are any of you out there who are concerned that my father’s immigration policies are going to mean the loss of your illegal landscaper, housekeeper, or nanny, please don’t worry. My Dad is working on a plan to bring plenty of Norwegians to America to take their place. [Applause].
Speaking with some of you at the cocktail reception just a little while ago, I heard concerns that my father’s incessant tweeting is getting in the way of him doing his job effectively, and that it may even be dangerous. You said that you were worried that if he didn’t curtail his taunts and clever nicknaming of chubby world leaders, it could provoke a nuclear war.
Nothing could be further from the truth, my well-heeled friends. My father’s tweets are exactly why our allies are lining up to shake the president’s hand, and why our longtime enemies are agreeing to help this administration launder money through shady real estate transactions. And don’t worry, you will all get your cuts, I can promise you that. [Vigorous applause]
Now, I want to address the subject of Russian collusion. As everyone knows, there is no collusion, no Kremlin influence over the election, no golden shower videotape shot in the 30th floor VIP suite of the Ritz Carlton in Moscow. This is all fake news, as fake as the boobs on the Ukrainian prostitutes in the room that night. As my father has said repeatedly, Robert Mueller’s investigation is going to turn up nothing, and the bodies floating in the Potomac have nothing, absolutely zilch to do with the Trump family businesses or my father’s administration. That I can assure you right now.
Let me also say a few words about the ridiculous and nasty criticism, fueled by lefty libtards, of course, that the president is a racist. I have known my father all my life, and I can honestly say that he is the least fascist racist I have ever met. Oh, just a moment…would one of the butlers or maids please run back and help OJ loosen his shackles, he seems to be struggling with that neck manacle. Great. Beautiful. Thank you.
Now, finally, many of you were probably watching television today seeing the false reports about millions and millions of people, mostly women, marching in the streets seemingly in protest of my father’s presidency. Absolutely not true. Fake news. These were not Americans opposing my father’s rule, these were the 3.5 million people who the lefty communist sympathizers said voted for Crooked Hillary over my father in the 2016 election. But here’s the truth, as verified by Fox News — President Trump specifically asked those people to take to the streets on the anniversary of his inauguration, to wear pink, and to show the world that the #MeToo movement is all about the many women who adore my Dad and are saying “I would love to be groped by Donald Trump, me too, me too!”
My father loves women, absolutely adores them, ask anyone. Ask Ivanka! In fact, I can honestly say he’s the least misogynistic womanizer I have ever met. I mean, just look at how he gave the ladies here tonight their own back of the room to sit in — this is a man who adores pussy! Case closed. [Thunderous applause].
Thank you, thank you everyone. Now enjoy your evening, and please take a souvenir copy of the Time Magazine issue with my Dad on the cover on your way out. He’s signed all of them with that big flowery autograph that’s been made famous in tens of thousands of memes. Enjoy!
Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.
Remember, I read every comment. And I try to answer.