Everybody in Donald Trump’s inner circle is in big trouble, from family members to Oval Office advisors, foreign policy consultants to former press officials.
That’s why, when dinner was served in the White House on Thursday, a historic fight for the wishbone broke out among all siting at the table, each hoping it might provide just the right magic to keep Bob Mueller away… along with a host of other miseries.
Here are the wishes that Trump family members and invited guests were “pulling for” when they reached for the turkey to snatch that cherished bone:
Stephen Miller: As a insensate cyborg, Stephen’s wish is what every robot longs for — a heart. The chance to feel true compassion and love for others. And we all should have been rooting for Stephen on Thursday because until now that droid has been void of anything resembling kindness, tolerance, or empathy. It isn’t Adolf Twitler’s finger on the button, folks, it’s this automaton’s titanium digits. Hope that android grabbed that bone and pulled!
Kellyanne Conway: What could the blonde babbler want more than a chance to stand in the Rose Garden and defend a single TRUTH with total confidence in its veracity? Doesn’t have to be a special truth, or a fancy truth, or a big truth, just any truth. If she got the wishbone, you know that she asked for an actual fact, spoken by The Lyin’ King, which she could stand by wholeheartedly without sounding like a crazy witch. Good luck with that, KC.
Steve Bannon: The Breitbart Barbarian eats live scorpions for breakfast which he washes down with rattlesnake venom. Hence the constant, toxic pustule outbreak and the blood dripping from his eyeballs. What does the most sinister motherfucker in Washington wish for? Chaos, man, revolution, lawlessness, mayhem. Bannon must have snatched the wishbone last year because a state of utter anarchy already seems fully baked into the American apple pie. Happy Thanksgiving.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Her papa’s had her praying all her life and yet she still ends up spouting the devil’s lies from the pulpit of the Great White House of Sin. If Sarah got her wicked hands on the wishbone this year, there was only one thing she could possibly have been coveting — God’s redemption.
Rex Tillerson: Old Rex didn’t bargain for this at all. He was very happy at his old job starring in porn films (after initially dropping his real name, Herbert Schlemielman), when he got the call from the pervert POTUS offering him the Secretary of State Secrets position. It’s been nothing but headaches ever since. Rex has only one wish if he snags the bird bone — to get his gig back on the Oil Slick Prick porn series after another name change required by the witness protection program.
Eric Trump: If you’ve been around Eric for even five minutes you’ve heard the same complaint — “It sucks being a vampire.” Besides being fed up with emerging only after sunset, Eric says his sharp canines keep cutting his tongue. The middle Trump boy has been completely upfront about his desire to grab that wishbone and wish away his cursed life as a blood-sucking corpse to simply become a depraved, living blood-sucker like the rest of the family. (Note: Anyone pulling against Eric would be wise to remove all evidence of chicken gore from the wishbone before engaging in the final tug).
Donald Trump Jr.: Chances are excellent that this buffoon is going to prison, but that doesn’t seem to be on junior moron’s mind at the moment. What he’s really pissed about is not being able to bring any more elephant tusks, leopard skins, and giraffe necks back to the States after one of his courageous African hunting expeditions. Don Jr. is so worked up about this that he wrote his wish down on paper so he wouldn’t forget it: “I wish that all the pussies who don’t understand the thrill of bagging a 5000-pound bull elephant, with magnificent 8-foot tusks, would just pack their tofu sandwiches, get back in their Prius,’ and stay the fuck out of the wild animal trophy business. Like I always say, if you can’t stomach the kill shot, then…then…well, I forget what I always say, but just fuck off.”
Ivanka Trump: Faithful daughter that she is, the woman who would be First Lady simply wishes that “EVERYONE WOULD LEAVE DADDY ALONE!” If given a secondary wishbone she also cries out for world peace and that Nordstrom will reinstate her Ivanka brand.
Jared Kushner: It is against Jared’s orthodox Jewish faith to partake in filthy pagan rituals like wishbone breaking.
Melania Trump: She isn’t big, she isn’t strong, but she fought for that wishbone with every manicured and sharpened fingernail on her body. What was Melania’s plea be to the “wanting bone,” as she calls it? A green card, of course, but without the restrictive wedding vows. As well as a post-matrimonial chastity belt, or whatever you call that device that keeps a president permanently away from your pussy.
Donald Trump: Let’s get clear on this — The Talking Yam hates being president. Because he can’t run the country the way he ran his businesses — illegally. And dictatorially. So his wish is clear. He wants a do-over of November 8, 2016, where he forfeits the election but gets to keep his laundered money, his treasonous Russia connections, his unlawful businesses, his sleazy beauty pageants, his hidden income, his concealed tax returns, as well as his dreams of starting his very own conservative TV network and launching a 16th season of The Apprentice.
Thanks all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.
Remember, I read every comment. And I try to answer.