Truth In Satire

Election Eve Outrage: Alabama Legislature Makes It Legal To Date 14-Year-Olds

New law passed day before contentious election appeared to be move by Alabama Republicans to boost Roy Moore’s Senate bid

“My high school girlfriends love the cowboy look!” (Credit: thedailybeast.com)

In a move certain to outrage Democrats and disgust teenagers, Alabama’s Republican legislature passed a last-minute bill making it perfectly legal for adult men in the state to date underage girls ages 14–16.

Called the “Pedophilia Permission Act,” the last-minute law passed on the eve of a special election in Alabama for a U.S. Senate seat appears intended to make candidate Roy Moore’s past history of forcible sexual advances on teenagers seem not so revolting or reprehensible.

“Oh, hello there, Miss, can I date your daughter?” (Credit: newindianexpress.com)

“As you can see, Judge Roy Moore broke no laws when he chased down girls at a mall here in Alabama and then locked them in his car in order to date them enthusiastically,” said Virgil Moore, leader of the state senate and a distant cousin of Judge Moore’s, related through incest. “Our Pedophilia Permission Act completely covers that kind of friendly dating behavior, supporting our contention that Roy Moore is not only innocent of any crime but is a fine man of God. Praise Jesus.”

“Let me be clear, I have never touched a 12-year-old …but 14-year-olds are fair game.” (Credit: thehill.com)

Katherine Moore, a court clerk in Tuscaloosa who is also incestuously-related to the senate candidate, says she sees nothing wrong with Mr. Moore’s behavior as long as it is legal under Alabama law. “Look, Roy Moore is a judge, he knows the ins-and-outs of the law, and he would never violate it. That’s why he can count on my vote. Go Bama! Roll Tide!”

Alabama Democrats, child welfare activists, and sane people across the state are furious about passage of the Pedophilia Permission Act by the Republican majority in the state legislature.

“This is basically an invitation for pedophiles everywhere to move to Alabama in order to legally violate our teenage girls,” said Moore’s opponent in the U.S. Senate race, Democratic candidate Doug Jones. “It seems the Republicans will stop at nothing to get their creepy predator candidate elected to the U.S. Senate, including putting our daughters at risk.”

Political observers across the state say that the outcome on Tuesday will probably come down to the number of Moore’s relatives who show up at the polls, particularly those with incestuous blood ties. They currently number in the tens of thousands.

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Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.

I read every comment. And I try to answer.

Thank you.

–AI

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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