If there is anyone who doubts that the future is now written and it includes the swift departure of Donald Trump, behold this leaked email from the president to his lawyers that includes a draft of his resignation letter.
Mr. Trump is so certain of his imminent demise that he even forward-dates the vacate letter to June 21, 2018. This is certain to become a day in American history celebrated as passionately as Independence Day, V-Day, and Halloween.
And it will begin like this:
My fellow white Americans, First Lady Melatonia, voluptuous Ivanka, my idiot sons, and all those many millions of others who love me, me, me.
Today is a day of tremendous sadness for the dozens of billionaires across the nation, as well as those in my cabinet, who paid for my presidency and expected to receive the keys to Fort Knox in return, as well as a firm foothold in the lucrative world of Russian oligarchy.
It is also a day of mourning for bookies in Vegas who had 30–1 odds that I would start a nuclear war with the Little Rocket Man, and now have to cancel those bets (which is a shame, because I was all-in for total destruction).
I weep alongside my good friends at Twitter, too, who saw a four-fold growth in accounts since I started tweeting various insanities on a daily basis and brought record traffic to the social networking service. But my tweet storm is sadly coming to an end.
There is despair today, too, in the Kremlin, where hope of a Russo-American totalitarian union had never been greater and is now regretfully lost. What power we could have wielded! When I think about it, I could cry.
There is surely tremendous grief, as well, in the dozens of Red States that offer safe sanctuary to so many fine hate groups, groups that I truly admire. These include respected organizations like the Ku Klux Klan, Neo-Nazis, White Nationalists, Racist Skinheads, the Christian Identity movement, Neo-Confederates, Anti-LGBT groups, and the all-important Anti-Muslim factions. What true Americans they all are, real patriots.
Finally, there can be no greater heartbreak over the announcement that I’m making today than at the FOX network. What can I say — Hannity, O’Reilly, the strange but loyal folks at Fox & Friends — we built a huge brand together and took ratings from a whisker above mediocrity to truly historic levels that have never been seen before, just beautiful, amazing records. I don’t know how you can thank me enough.
Okay, so, the fucking fake media, excuse my language but I’m a little upset here, the so-called shit-stained media, along with that witch hunter Robert Mueller, conspired against America’s greatest white hope — that’s me — to make America great again and ruined all the progress I achieved in my eleven months, the most successful progress and off-the-charts presidency in the entire 175 year history of our country, just ask anybody.
I told you all that I would drain the swamp, stare down the swamp creatures, and toss them all out, right? Well, I was well on my way to doing just that between golf outings, I mean really getting to the bottom of the swamp where it’s all icky and the dead stuff stinks and you want to get home and take a shower, when I’m suddenly derailed by a conniving fake press and a dirty Robert Mueller, who must be Jewish, at least a little bit.
I’m telling you, they could not stand that a Washington outsider was doing such an unbelievable job of earning respect again for America around the world, while bringing a few million jobs back to the U.S. from Finland and other Scandinavian countries, retraining coal miners to work at my spa and hotel properties as manicurists, fixing the horrible economy (did I mentioned that the stock market is setting new record highs every day and is poised to go up another hundred thousand points, something like that?), eliminating racial tensions by eliminating certain races, and redecorating the White House using a lot more gold gilt so it doesn’t look like such a dump.
I was just days away from making all this great stuff happen when grim-faced Mueller comes banging on the door of the Lincoln Bedroom at like 4am, when I was just getting into bed, and starts yelling about construction of justice, collusion with the Prussians, dry cleaning a bunch of money, golden girl showers, and all kinds of other crap that I couldn’t understand because that FBI agent’s forearm was shoving my head into the pillow.
What it boils down to, people, is that the regressive establishment in Washington won’t let me do my job — just like Steve Bannon said would happen. They won’t let me control the Justice Department, drop bombs on stupid countries when I want to, jail journalists who expose government secrets, eliminate runaway free speech and an irresponsible lying free press, keep women at home where they are safe, and rewrite a lot of the Constitution so it works better for today’s America. Can you believe that!?
Anyway, as my face was being crushed against the mattress that night of the raid, all but messing up my hair, Mueller and his thugs started reading off a long list of crimes that I supposedly committed but were totally made up. Sad.
The Jewish Mueller then made it clear to me that impeachment from office was imminent and even prison time was possible. I told him and his rent-a-cops right then and there that I would never leave the White House, that he would have to drag me out kicking and screaming if he thought I would ever stop doing the vital work of those who elected me.
As I was being dragged out kicking and screaming, I knew that rather than go to jail, which is a very dirty place, I would have to resign the presidency. But not before turning state’s evidence against Mike Pence (who I don’t like, too prissy), Jared Kushner (who I hardly know), Donald Jr. (who I also hardly know), Harvey Weinstein (not sure how he snuck in there, but he did), Kellyanne Conway (totally expendable), and Ivanka (sorry, baby).
This is the only way I can continue to represent my loyal base, by starting a major TV network with my friends at Breitbart News which we’re calling the Trump International Television System or TITS.
So, as I take my last flight on Marine One headed to Andrews Air Force Base and then down to Mar-a-Lago — they tell me that Trump Tower in New York is inaccessible as it is completely surrounded by three or four million of my most ardent hometown fans — I just want to say that the past eleven months have been some of the most rewarding of my life. And by that, I mean that Trump International was able to score more than $7 billion in new business contracts as a result of my presidency. Not bad for less than a year in office!
That’s all for now and be sure to check your local listings for the new line-up of exciting programming on TITS starting in January.
Thank you. Goodbye. And God Bless White America.
Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.
I read every comment. And I try to answer.